323. Turn Up the Heat: Make Conflict More Constructive
“I’m not saying necessarily fight more, I’m saying fight better.”
Conflict doesn’t have to mean avoidance or escalation. Priya Parker, expert facilitator, strategic advisor and author of The Art of Fighting: The Transformative Power of Conflict, argues there’s a third option: “healthy heat,” where disagreement is handled with enough care, curiosity, and even humor to become productive rather than destructive. In this episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, Parker joins Matt Abrahams to rethink how we approach disagreement. She explains why practicing low-stakes conflict can prepare us for harder conversations, how teams can build better systems for working through tension, and why the goal isn’t to fight more, but to fight better.
Takeaways:
- Conflict can be productive when you learn to hold the heat. Rather than avoiding disagreement or letting it escalate, adding care, humor, and curiosity can turn tension into something clarifying and constructive.
- Don’t fight more, fight better. Preparing for difficult conversations, clarifying your purpose, and creating structures for disagreement can help teams address the issues that matter instead of avoiding them.
Activity:
- Start a grapple. Identify one issue your team keeps avoiding or turning into a logistical discussion. Give it a dedicated meeting where the explicit purpose is to debate the issue, hear different viewpoints, make a decision, and commit to what happens next.
Episode Reference Links:
- Priya Parker
- Priya’s Books: The Art of Gathering / The Art of Fighting
- Ep.174 Fix Meetings: Transform Gatherings Into Meaningful Moments
Connect:
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- Think Fast Talk Smart >>> LinkedIn, Instagram, YouTube
- Matt Abrahams >>> LinkedIn
- (00:00) - Introduction
- (00:55) - Healthy Heat
- (01:54) - Practicing Disagreement
- (07:29) - Conflict in the Moment
- (10:19) - Normalizing Conflict
- (14:47) - Conflict as a Signal
- (17:29) - Starting the Conversation
- (20:25) - The Final Three Questions
- (23:51) - Conclusion
00:00:00.268 --> 00:00:05.298
Matt Abrahams: Adding warmth to heat
can actually help your conflicts.
00:00:05.628 --> 00:00:08.857
My name's Matt Abrahams, and I
teach Strategic Communication at
00:00:08.857 --> 00:00:10.458
Stanford Graduate School of Business.
00:00:10.667 --> 00:00:14.058
Welcome to Think Fast,
Talk Smart, the podcast.
00:00:19.073 --> 00:00:21.503
Today I'm looking forward to once
again speaking with Priya Parker.
00:00:21.854 --> 00:00:24.964
Priya is best known for her
work, The Art of Gathering:
00:00:24.973 --> 00:00:26.784
How We Meet and Why It Matters.
00:00:27.083 --> 00:00:29.814
She's an expert facilitator
and strategic advisor.
00:00:30.043 --> 00:00:33.403
She's worked with many organizations
and individuals worldwide to
00:00:33.403 --> 00:00:37.144
reimagine how we come together in both
personal and professional settings.
00:00:37.673 --> 00:00:42.233
Her latest book is The Art of Fighting:
The Transformative Power of Conflict.
00:00:42.904 --> 00:00:44.793
Priya, thank you so much
for joining me again.
00:00:44.804 --> 00:00:49.034
Our audience really enjoyed our
previous conversation in episode 174.
00:00:49.164 --> 00:00:50.233
Thanks for being back.
00:00:50.644 --> 00:00:51.913
Priya Parker: Thank you
so much for having me.
00:00:52.203 --> 00:00:53.183
Matt Abrahams: Excellent.
00:00:53.223 --> 00:00:54.194
Uh, shall we get started?
00:00:54.453 --> 00:00:55.054
Priya Parker: Let's do it.
00:00:55.263 --> 00:00:55.923
Matt Abrahams: All right.
00:00:56.313 --> 00:00:59.783
Uh, when you were last with us, you
introduced the concept of heat in
00:00:59.783 --> 00:01:04.054
communication and relationships, and
I know you've talked about healthy
00:01:04.123 --> 00:01:06.123
heat as a transformative tool.
00:01:06.414 --> 00:01:09.814
Can you help share what
you mean by healthy heat?
00:01:10.973 --> 00:01:16.614
Priya Parker: In so many workplaces and
groups and friendships, when conflict
00:01:16.614 --> 00:01:23.154
arises, we tend to oscillate between
two places, what I call unhealthy
00:01:23.353 --> 00:01:27.983
peace, which is conflict avoidance,
pretending everything's fine, nothing
00:01:27.983 --> 00:01:34.353
to see here, folks, and unhealthy
conflict, domination, escalation, abuse.
00:01:34.853 --> 00:01:39.264
And as a conflict resolution facilitator,
I know that there's actually a third
00:01:40.044 --> 00:01:44.024
place, which is a very important place
to be, which is what I call healthy heat.
00:01:44.653 --> 00:01:49.793
And healthy heat is the ability to hold
friction or tension well between people
00:01:49.803 --> 00:01:54.243
with care long enough for something
to be generative or clarifying.
00:01:54.843 --> 00:01:59.013
Matt Abrahams: So help me understand, what
are some of the ways of generating healthy
00:01:59.013 --> 00:02:01.203
heat without burning down the house?
00:02:01.293 --> 00:02:04.963
And you use a great example in
your book, The Art of Fighting,
00:02:05.243 --> 00:02:06.523
that really hit home for me.
00:02:06.523 --> 00:02:10.184
You talk about, uh, pineapple and
ham pizza, which is a perpetual
00:02:10.193 --> 00:02:11.723
debate my wife and I had.
00:02:12.173 --> 00:02:14.833
How do you generate healthy
heat in those moments?
00:02:14.833 --> 00:02:18.123
And, and you mentioned banter, which
is something that really fascinates me.
00:02:19.153 --> 00:02:26.123
Priya Parker: I think of banter as
the elixir of pro-social conflict.
00:02:26.394 --> 00:02:29.894
Part of our, our fear of approaching
conflict, and I have it as
00:02:29.894 --> 00:02:32.754
well, is that we are afraid that
it's gonna burn the house down.
00:02:33.234 --> 00:02:39.664
And part of what I began to see in teams,
in restaurants, in organizations and
00:02:39.664 --> 00:02:45.533
clubs that were able to have relevant
conversations that scared the people
00:02:45.533 --> 00:02:49.954
in them, but were helpful to their
performance and breakthrough, was that
00:02:49.954 --> 00:02:56.903
they added warmth to heat, and they
began to see that there are so many
00:02:56.903 --> 00:03:01.513
different ways to actually approach
conversations and, and have actually
00:03:01.533 --> 00:03:09.384
energy and debate and controversy that
also injects fun, and humor, and energy.
00:03:09.554 --> 00:03:13.310
One of the things I began to see in
multiple different workplaces was that
00:03:13.310 --> 00:03:18.200
when people normalized or were invited
into banter, like literally bantering
00:03:18.200 --> 00:03:20.620
with each other, whether it was part
of the culture or whether they actually
00:03:20.620 --> 00:03:28.740
designed for it, low stakes arguing helped
them prepare for high stakes arguing.
00:03:30.102 --> 00:03:34.802
And I was in a room in a tech company
that was bringing together their
00:03:34.802 --> 00:03:38.982
leadership, uh, across a global
organization, across a lot of departments.
00:03:39.102 --> 00:03:40.862
They knew that they were at
a crossroads as a company.
00:03:40.862 --> 00:03:44.842
They needed to really have serious
conversations in which the conversations
00:03:44.842 --> 00:03:49.001
themselves, the arguments, the debates,
would affect the outcome of the
00:03:49.001 --> 00:03:50.702
direction they wanted to go as a company.
00:03:50.861 --> 00:03:54.702
So, they needed, like so many teams, to be
able to actually have good conversation.
00:03:55.111 --> 00:03:59.841
Any time they'd sort of approach a more
difficult or, or high-stakes conversation,
00:03:59.871 --> 00:04:01.451
people would kind of lean out.
00:04:01.902 --> 00:04:06.922
And so, uh, on the first day, 500
people in this ballroom, and the
00:04:06.922 --> 00:04:10.412
vice president of the company came
out on stage and said, "You know,
00:04:12.731 --> 00:04:15.292
I don't really want to start
in a heavy place today, but
00:04:15.292 --> 00:04:16.542
we got a lot of work to do.
00:04:17.082 --> 00:04:21.262
And so, we're gonna start with five
really important but controversial
00:04:21.632 --> 00:04:25.552
conversations." And he said, "So, the
first one I want to really put to you
00:04:25.552 --> 00:04:30.251
all as leaders of this firm are, is,"
and he put up a slide behind him, and
00:04:30.251 --> 00:04:36.801
it said, "Pineapple on pizza, yes or
no?" People were like, "What the heck?"
00:04:36.812 --> 00:04:41.131
And then he said, "Okay, turn to
three people around you and debate for
00:04:41.132 --> 00:04:45.311
15 minutes." People started turning
to each other and started debating.
00:04:45.312 --> 00:04:48.441
And in the group that I was in,
somebody was like, "Yum, it's amazing.
00:04:48.441 --> 00:04:51.061
Salty and sweet." And someone else
was like, "This is disgusting."
00:04:51.062 --> 00:04:53.641
And someone else was like, "Well,
I'm Italian, and this is offensive
00:04:53.642 --> 00:04:54.602
to my tradition," you know?
00:04:54.901 --> 00:04:58.211
But all of a sudden, people
started laughing and chatting,
00:04:58.571 --> 00:04:59.731
and the room changed.
00:04:59.761 --> 00:05:03.091
And then he came back and he said, "Okay,
let's hear it out." And then he began
00:05:03.091 --> 00:05:06.351
to go from the small group to the large
group where people started yelling out
00:05:06.721 --> 00:05:08.802
pros and cons for pineapple on pizza.
00:05:08.831 --> 00:05:13.151
And this group of people, who let alone
didn't know each other, had the social
00:05:13.151 --> 00:05:17.821
permission to argue about something
that didn't matter, but that they felt
00:05:17.931 --> 00:05:24.762
strongly about, was actually injecting
warmth into the room to help them practice
00:05:24.812 --> 00:05:26.552
actually disagreeing with one another.
00:05:26.771 --> 00:05:32.151
And immediately, it basically gives
people humor, banter, and social
00:05:32.151 --> 00:05:35.741
permission to actually be, I don't
want to use the word antagonistic, but
00:05:35.751 --> 00:05:39.511
actually turn to each other and have
a different form of interaction that's
00:05:39.771 --> 00:05:43.081
related to controversy, but infuses fun.
00:05:43.351 --> 00:05:47.081
And those are two elements, two
ingredients in communication and in
00:05:47.082 --> 00:05:51.991
an interpersonal, uh, interaction
that often doesn't go together.
00:05:52.161 --> 00:05:56.602
But when it does, it begins to help
you approach the heat to realize, oh,
00:05:56.602 --> 00:05:58.121
there's so many ways we can do this.
00:05:59.701 --> 00:06:04.491
Matt Abrahams: I really like this idea
of adding warmth to heat, which plays on
00:06:04.502 --> 00:06:09.041
lots of words, but really taps into some
foundational principles in communication
00:06:09.041 --> 00:06:14.976
by bringing connection and levity, and
in service of practicing, how we're
00:06:14.976 --> 00:06:16.776
going to interact with each other.
00:06:16.776 --> 00:06:22.516
So it's a way of warming up and
practicing and showing respect in
00:06:22.516 --> 00:06:26.265
something that doesn't really matter
that can be really close to people.
00:06:26.586 --> 00:06:29.815
If you listen to Think Fast, Talk
Smart, you know I believe communication
00:06:29.816 --> 00:06:33.406
is something we can all get better
at, and getting better takes more
00:06:33.406 --> 00:06:35.065
than simply learning new ideas.
00:06:35.175 --> 00:06:36.306
It takes practice.
00:06:36.605 --> 00:06:40.356
That's why I love teaching Communication
Essentials for Work and Life
00:06:40.366 --> 00:06:42.505
through Stanford Continuing Studies.
00:06:42.855 --> 00:06:47.335
We explore the communication challenges
that show up in everyday life, how
00:06:47.336 --> 00:06:51.055
to be more persuasive, tell better
stories, strengthen your presence,
00:06:51.086 --> 00:06:55.305
navigate difficult conversations, and
connect with others more effectively.
00:06:55.656 --> 00:06:58.946
Along the way, you'll hear from
expert guest speakers, learn
00:06:58.946 --> 00:07:02.305
practical techniques, and most
importantly, have opportunities
00:07:02.305 --> 00:07:04.355
to put those ideas into practice.
00:07:04.755 --> 00:07:09.505
My goal is simple, to help you become
a more confident, clear, and effective
00:07:09.525 --> 00:07:12.195
communicator at work and in your life.
00:07:12.595 --> 00:07:16.046
If that sounds like something you'd like
to work on, I'd love to have you join me.
00:07:16.356 --> 00:07:21.105
Learn more and sign up at
continuingstudies.stanford.edu/tfts.
00:07:25.255 --> 00:07:29.505
That's
continuingstudies.stanford.edu/tfts.
00:07:29.825 --> 00:07:35.325
I'd like to move to right in the
moment when conflict is generating.
00:07:35.335 --> 00:07:39.515
Uh, there's a difference
between identifying a dispute
00:07:39.536 --> 00:07:41.486
and actually addressing it.
00:07:41.716 --> 00:07:44.766
Uh, when we're caught in a, in
a spontaneous moment where a
00:07:44.766 --> 00:07:48.266
disagreement just flares up, what's
the best way to address that?
00:07:48.266 --> 00:07:53.816
Is there a conversational framework for
naming it honestly without immediately
00:07:53.825 --> 00:07:57.796
triggering the person and getting
into a, a full-on conflict right away?
00:07:58.035 --> 00:08:01.035
Priya Parker: One of the things I did
with The Art of Fighting was I began to
00:08:01.045 --> 00:08:04.245
look at places that actually fight well.
00:08:04.375 --> 00:08:09.155
One of the types of teams I looked
at were restaurants, in part because
00:08:09.155 --> 00:08:15.185
restaurants have inbuilt 110 micro
conflicts every night of service.
00:08:15.355 --> 00:08:17.705
And I looked at this
restaurant called Canlis.
00:08:18.246 --> 00:08:25.675
Part of what they do as a team
is they assume that there will be
00:08:25.675 --> 00:08:30.956
disagreement between and conflict
between every employee at some point
00:08:30.966 --> 00:08:37.536
or another, and they find ways to
ritualize it, to normalize it, and to
00:08:37.536 --> 00:08:42.666
be able to have a place to diagnose
what's happening, and then also have a
00:08:42.735 --> 00:08:44.565
second moment to go and deal with it.
00:08:44.615 --> 00:08:47.785
If the team is sort of snapping at each
other while preparing the evening's
00:08:47.785 --> 00:08:51.246
meals or cleaning up after close and,
and someone can hear something's, you
00:08:51.246 --> 00:08:55.026
know, starting to really bubble between
two employees, you may actually hear
00:08:55.026 --> 00:08:58.605
one of the owners or the chef or any
leader of the organization yell on
00:08:58.606 --> 00:09:04.776
the floor, "Take it to the hooch!" And
the staff involved in the exchange, as
00:09:04.796 --> 00:09:09.276
irritated as they might be, drop what
they're doing and file into a secret
00:09:09.276 --> 00:09:13.595
room they built in the restaurant for
these purposes, specifically created to
00:09:13.596 --> 00:09:15.276
relieve tension in the heat of battle.
00:09:15.966 --> 00:09:19.105
And you sneak downstairs in this
funny little room in the basement of
00:09:19.105 --> 00:09:20.646
the basement, and it's time to talk.
00:09:20.816 --> 00:09:23.205
How do you decide what to do
in the heat of the moment?
00:09:23.636 --> 00:09:31.965
Really, teams and organizations that
are, have group intelligence are starting
00:09:31.966 --> 00:09:37.705
to find ways to normalize, ritualize,
and give both tools and places and
00:09:37.716 --> 00:09:45.195
skills for, for people to be able to
actually have the argument and not rely
00:09:45.196 --> 00:09:48.356
so deeply on the, you know, on putting
it on the weight of the individual.
00:09:48.356 --> 00:09:50.796
In fact, one of the things
I actually have it with me.
00:09:50.845 --> 00:09:53.236
Canlis has come out
with an employee manual.
00:09:53.236 --> 00:09:56.225
It's the first time I've ever seen
an employee manual that doesn't
00:09:56.396 --> 00:09:59.945
look at if conflict arises,
you have to go to HR, right?
00:09:59.946 --> 00:10:02.705
Or if conflict arises, you have to
go to alternative dispute resolution.
00:10:03.196 --> 00:10:08.325
They actually have conflict as one of
the core ways their team builds trust.
00:10:08.335 --> 00:10:12.636
They have a three-page manual on what to
actually do in the moment, and the first
00:10:12.636 --> 00:10:18.126
thing they say is, "Assume the best in
others and look for their true north."
00:10:19.558 --> 00:10:19.997
Matt Abrahams: Wow.
00:10:20.948 --> 00:10:24.828
That's so powerful to, to build
it into the way you do business.
00:10:25.508 --> 00:10:29.078
I appreciate the idea of normalizing
it, that conflict is natural and normal,
00:10:29.078 --> 00:10:31.658
and when you bring people together
who are good at what they do and
00:10:31.658 --> 00:10:33.878
passionate, conflict is going to arise.
00:10:34.398 --> 00:10:37.318
The ritualizing part
I'm, I'm curious about.
00:10:37.508 --> 00:10:40.888
I can see a leader saying, "Hey, we,
we support conflict that's healthy,
00:10:40.888 --> 00:10:44.698
that's respectful." What are some
other very specific actionable tools
00:10:44.698 --> 00:10:49.318
to help ritualize it so it becomes
part of what we do in our daily lives?
00:10:50.237 --> 00:10:54.927
Priya Parker: I mean, the first is,
uh, talking about conflict, shifting
00:10:54.927 --> 00:10:58.658
our mental model of, of conflict
as something that's dysfunctional
00:10:59.918 --> 00:11:03.377
to something that's functional,
meaning that it serves a purpose.
00:11:03.987 --> 00:11:06.187
And that it's not, not
all conflict is good.
00:11:06.197 --> 00:11:09.718
Some conflict can be toxic, some
conflict can be deeply unhealthy.
00:11:10.098 --> 00:11:13.838
But first is normalizing and saying
there are certain conversations that we
00:11:13.838 --> 00:11:17.737
actually have to have in which there's
going to be disagreement, there's
00:11:17.737 --> 00:11:22.297
going to be passion, in part because
these questions affect us, right?
00:11:22.357 --> 00:11:23.947
Conflict heat is relevance.
00:11:24.367 --> 00:11:27.507
And so where and how do we begin to
hold these conversations with care?
00:11:27.667 --> 00:11:33.267
I worked with a tech team, um, a few years
ago where they, they realized that every
00:11:33.268 --> 00:11:37.967
time at their weekly leadership meeting,
every time a really kind of thorny issue
00:11:37.967 --> 00:11:44.957
would come up that really was related
to kind of who they were as a company and
00:11:44.957 --> 00:11:48.528
the core direction they were gonna go,
either they'd run out of time or it'd be
00:11:48.528 --> 00:11:52.967
so scary, someone would inevitably sort
of turn it into a logistical conversation.
00:11:53.167 --> 00:11:56.157
Like, it's a communication move, like,
"Oh, well, we don't have time to do that,"
00:11:56.158 --> 00:11:59.477
or, "Well, actually we shouldn't even
talk about that 'cause we don't have the
00:11:59.477 --> 00:12:00.918
bandwidth to actually implement that."
00:12:00.927 --> 00:12:05.277
The leader of the organization, the CEO,
came to me and basically said, "We, these
00:12:05.277 --> 00:12:08.488
are the conversations we deeply need
to have, but it feels actually scary
00:12:08.488 --> 00:12:11.207
to have them in our regular leadership
meeting. Can you help us design a
00:12:11.207 --> 00:12:17.217
meeting?" So we came up with a solution,
uh, to create a new type of meeting
00:12:17.737 --> 00:12:21.987
specifically for these larger, thornier
questions, and we called it a grapple.
00:12:22.478 --> 00:12:25.578
And the company's leader sent
out a document describing the
00:12:25.578 --> 00:12:26.697
purpose of the new meeting.
00:12:27.327 --> 00:12:31.968
The purpose was, our job as a
leadership team is to discuss, debate,
00:12:32.018 --> 00:12:36.327
and quote, "grapple" with large
strategic issues that are critical
00:12:36.327 --> 00:12:38.287
to us achieving our ambitious goals.
00:12:39.468 --> 00:12:42.698
And then they listed three factors
that would trigger a grapple.
00:12:42.918 --> 00:12:46.088
One, a high level of
uncertainty in the outcome.
00:12:47.238 --> 00:12:51.258
Two, a broad range of opinions
among the leadership team on
00:12:51.258 --> 00:12:52.717
how we should handle the issue.
00:12:53.688 --> 00:12:59.027
And three, a significant level
of risk to our long-term success.
00:12:59.588 --> 00:13:03.307
What this team was doing was they
were raising the group intelligence
00:13:03.307 --> 00:13:07.377
level of all of the leaders to begin
to listen differently, to say, "What
00:13:07.397 --> 00:13:12.328
are the conversations that rise to a
grapple?" And then they laid out four
00:13:12.328 --> 00:13:16.097
principles that would guide them through
these hot-topic discussions and, and
00:13:16.117 --> 00:13:19.237
outlined it in an internal document with
me, which I have permission to share.
00:13:19.567 --> 00:13:24.847
So one, we create an inclusive way of
grappling so that diverse viewpoints
00:13:24.897 --> 00:13:27.608
are heard, understood, and considered.
00:13:28.778 --> 00:13:32.027
We create a space for synchronous
discussion and debate.
00:13:33.438 --> 00:13:38.017
We make a call on the issue at hand and
commit as a team within a given timeframe.
00:13:38.977 --> 00:13:42.107
And we live into the decision with
new behaviors that we practice and
00:13:42.107 --> 00:13:43.367
hold each other accountable to.
00:13:45.110 --> 00:13:48.690
And so they did two things here,
which having the intelligence to,
00:13:48.720 --> 00:13:51.880
it's almost like an early warning
system, to know what are the triggers
00:13:51.890 --> 00:13:54.620
for the type of conversation that
requires a different type of meeting.
00:13:55.090 --> 00:13:57.810
And then the second, what are the
principles of the infrastructure of
00:13:57.810 --> 00:13:59.149
that meeting to make it a success?
00:13:59.840 --> 00:14:02.020
Matt Abrahams: So much
value in that response.
00:14:02.080 --> 00:14:06.640
The first and foremost, the idea that
heat is all about relevance, and that
00:14:06.650 --> 00:14:12.459
you can set up almost a early detection
system, train people to, to look for it.
00:14:12.769 --> 00:14:17.260
I like the, the three criteria
you used, uh, uncertainty, uh,
00:14:17.270 --> 00:14:21.110
broad base of different opinions,
and there's some kind of threat.
00:14:21.110 --> 00:14:24.509
So as you're listening, as you're
engaged in the conversation, you're,
00:14:24.520 --> 00:14:27.089
you're searching out signals of those.
00:14:27.090 --> 00:14:31.559
And if they, if they exist, then in
essence you say it's time to, to grapple.
00:14:31.559 --> 00:14:38.510
And a grapple, uh, has really
specific steps to it, uh, and people
00:14:38.510 --> 00:14:40.760
commit to that, uh, to those steps.
00:14:41.009 --> 00:14:44.770
So in essence, you're giving people a
framework through which to have that
00:14:44.770 --> 00:14:46.669
discussion, and you're naming it.
00:14:47.129 --> 00:14:50.230
One thing that I found really
interesting in your book as you're
00:14:50.239 --> 00:14:56.059
talking about conflict is that you
say conflict can be a sign that
00:14:56.059 --> 00:14:58.449
the group should evolve or disband.
00:14:58.449 --> 00:15:01.110
So it's actually a signal for movement.
00:15:01.290 --> 00:15:05.920
How can we use the friction of a fight
to diagnose whether a team or community
00:15:05.920 --> 00:15:09.370
needs to evolve or it simply has run
its course and we should disband?
00:15:09.370 --> 00:15:10.570
What are we looking for there?
00:15:11.959 --> 00:15:16.649
Priya Parker: I structured The
Art of Fighting into the natural
00:15:16.659 --> 00:15:21.259
cycle groups go through when
they have an existential fight.
00:15:21.919 --> 00:15:25.469
And so the types of fights I'm really
interested in, in part 'cause I'm a
00:15:25.470 --> 00:15:29.370
facilitator and these are the fights
that I'm brought in to, uh, to help
00:15:29.439 --> 00:15:32.119
groups hold, aren't all types of fights.
00:15:32.519 --> 00:15:34.549
They're not fights for dominance.
00:15:34.549 --> 00:15:37.840
They're not fights for
extremely bad behavior.
00:15:37.849 --> 00:15:41.799
They're not fights for what temperature
the AC should be on in the building.
00:15:41.849 --> 00:15:45.610
They're a specific type of fight, which
is what I call an existential fight,
00:15:45.610 --> 00:15:49.200
which is when a majority of a group has
to ask or grapple with the question,
00:15:49.200 --> 00:15:53.319
"Well, who are we? And how do we do
this? How do we do things around here?"
00:15:53.949 --> 00:15:54.120
Right?
00:15:54.120 --> 00:15:55.140
What kind of church are we?
00:15:55.569 --> 00:15:57.360
What kind of football team are we?
00:15:57.370 --> 00:16:01.360
The other thing is groups can't actually
form or, or evolve without a fight.
00:16:01.730 --> 00:16:05.730
So often a group starts because of
a need, or a company starts because
00:16:05.730 --> 00:16:08.590
of a need in the marketplace,
or a need in the, in the public.
00:16:08.920 --> 00:16:13.850
But for groups to actually
evolve, fights trigger the
00:16:13.850 --> 00:16:15.689
conversations we've been avoiding.
00:16:16.880 --> 00:16:23.599
And part of what happens when a group
has to face a certain conversation is
00:16:23.619 --> 00:16:28.380
all of the questions that often lay below
the surface come to a head, and this
00:16:28.409 --> 00:16:30.769
often happens at moments of gatherings.
00:16:31.779 --> 00:16:35.689
Gatherings so often that are the
forcing mechanisms to have the
00:16:35.689 --> 00:16:40.449
fights that make us decide aloud
who we are and who we're gonna be.
00:16:41.100 --> 00:16:44.359
Matt Abrahams: And it is, at some
point, a decision that you have to
00:16:44.359 --> 00:16:46.779
make if we wanna continue being or not.
00:16:47.289 --> 00:16:54.829
The point that evolution in groups,
in teams, is predicated on tension,
00:16:54.829 --> 00:16:59.389
on fighting, on, on challenge, is
one that's really, uh, insightful.
00:16:59.410 --> 00:17:02.969
Because as a leader, as a manager, as
a participant in a group or a team,
00:17:03.550 --> 00:17:08.509
rather than avoiding it, I should be
seeking it out, or at least trying
00:17:08.510 --> 00:17:11.410
to figure out where those tension
points are to help the group grow.
00:17:11.819 --> 00:17:13.590
Priya Parker: Or to, yeah,
or to be curious about it.
00:17:13.879 --> 00:17:18.240
And so part of the invitation to have
how to become an artful fighter is to
00:17:18.240 --> 00:17:22.939
start noticing when are the conversations
happening that are more likely gonna
00:17:22.940 --> 00:17:28.789
trigger existential conflict, and how to
get both curious about it and good at it.
00:17:29.440 --> 00:17:32.710
Matt Abrahams: And you mentioned earlier
that notion of we don't want just
00:17:32.720 --> 00:17:39.179
logistics to, to bowl over potential
rich conversation around conflict.
00:17:40.494 --> 00:17:45.033
If someone listening or watching
right now wants to initiate a conflict
00:17:45.033 --> 00:17:49.214
that they've been avoiding, what
might be the best opening sentence
00:17:49.214 --> 00:17:53.174
or way to get that conversation
going that will lead to hopefully
00:17:53.374 --> 00:17:55.373
good heat and productive outcomes?
00:17:55.934 --> 00:18:00.444
Priya Parker: I first would go through a
checklist in oneself, which is, uh, what
00:18:00.444 --> 00:18:03.373
is my purpose in having this conversation?
00:18:03.373 --> 00:18:04.503
What is my intention?
00:18:04.823 --> 00:18:09.253
Do I think that by saying something
I'm able to alter a situation?
00:18:09.693 --> 00:18:15.883
Could I meaningfully engage
without saying something, right?
00:18:15.883 --> 00:18:19.254
So some of these are diagnostic tools
to get better at understanding when
00:18:19.254 --> 00:18:20.674
to face something and when not to.
00:18:20.974 --> 00:18:23.613
Chapter three of The Art of Fighting
is actually when not to face.
00:18:24.363 --> 00:18:29.313
And so a huge part of what I'm saying
is not just, you know, dive into
00:18:29.313 --> 00:18:30.873
all conflict everywhere, always.
00:18:30.873 --> 00:18:33.393
Like, I'm not saying necessarily
fight more, I'm saying fight better.
00:18:34.193 --> 00:18:37.903
And so the first is to diagnose what
is the conversation I want to have?
00:18:38.053 --> 00:18:40.023
How do I increase the
likelihood that it goes well?
00:18:40.593 --> 00:18:45.493
Part of what the skill is in one's
own self is figuring out what is the
00:18:45.494 --> 00:18:49.553
need and then how do you find the
right languaging, because 90% of the
00:18:49.553 --> 00:18:53.133
success of a fight or a gathering
happens before anyone has entered.
00:18:53.543 --> 00:18:56.884
And so part of what you're trying to do
in that situation is making sure that
00:18:56.884 --> 00:19:00.343
you're setting yourself up or setting
other people up to have the right fight.
00:19:00.972 --> 00:19:04.012
Matt Abrahams: The correction you
gave me of, don't go into it thinking
00:19:04.012 --> 00:19:05.282
I'm going to have a conflict.
00:19:05.312 --> 00:19:07.002
Think it's a conversation.
00:19:07.362 --> 00:19:11.152
And then understand what it is you're
hoping to get out of it and what you need.
00:19:11.602 --> 00:19:16.612
And I really like the idea of how
you frame it and what you do in
00:19:16.612 --> 00:19:18.732
advance sets you up for success.
00:19:18.821 --> 00:19:22.682
Many of us are so fixated on the
actual event, we don't think about
00:19:22.682 --> 00:19:25.461
what we can do in advance to help
ourselves get ready, and your Art
00:19:25.461 --> 00:19:29.271
of Gathering was a masterclass
for me in thinking that through.
00:19:30.592 --> 00:19:34.231
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sure you tell them Matt sent you.
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Well, Priya, I knew this was gonna
be great because we've had previous
00:20:28.662 --> 00:20:33.391
conversations, and your work is so
meaningful and helpful to, to everyone.
00:20:33.741 --> 00:20:35.801
I'd like to end, as we always
do, with three questions.
00:20:35.802 --> 00:20:38.211
One I'm going to make up just
for you, and the other two you
00:20:38.211 --> 00:20:39.341
had a chance to answer before.
00:20:39.342 --> 00:20:41.671
I'm gonna see if they're, they're a
little different now that you've spent
00:20:41.671 --> 00:20:45.532
some time thinking about conflict and,
and healthy heat in a different way.
00:20:45.951 --> 00:20:47.201
Um, you up for that?
00:20:47.791 --> 00:20:48.501
Priya Parker: I'm up for it.
00:20:48.662 --> 00:20:50.011
Matt Abrahams: All right, first question.
00:20:50.351 --> 00:20:53.961
In The Art of Gathering, you talked
about the container of a meeting
00:20:53.961 --> 00:20:57.681
or event and how important the
physical and virtual space can be in
00:20:57.711 --> 00:21:00.991
influencing how communication unfolds.
00:21:01.311 --> 00:21:05.511
When it comes to fighting, talk to
me about the importance of virtual
00:21:05.512 --> 00:21:07.752
communication and how we can leverage it.
00:21:08.161 --> 00:21:10.941
Priya Parker: The physical
environment deeply affects the
00:21:10.942 --> 00:21:14.141
room and the Zoom and the conflict.
00:21:14.662 --> 00:21:20.351
And so a couple of, of tips on virtual
life is, first of all, sometimes Zoom
00:21:20.371 --> 00:21:25.852
actually really helps conversations
because Zoom is an inherent equalizer
00:21:26.071 --> 00:21:27.411
if you know how to use it well.
00:21:27.511 --> 00:21:32.262
I work with a multigenerational family
that could never, one of the, one of the
00:21:32.262 --> 00:21:35.621
blockages to their, to their fight was
that they couldn't agree on where to meet.
00:21:36.041 --> 00:21:36.841
Who's hosting?
00:21:36.861 --> 00:21:37.541
Who's paying?
00:21:37.742 --> 00:21:38.801
How much is an airplane?
00:21:38.802 --> 00:21:40.702
What does it actually mean
to gather in that spot?
00:21:40.981 --> 00:21:44.171
And so our breakthrough actually
happened because all four siblings could
00:21:44.181 --> 00:21:47.570
Zoom in from their own home, right?
00:21:47.570 --> 00:21:50.280
And so don't assume all Zooms are bad.
00:21:51.050 --> 00:21:54.090
Think about the tools that you
have and how do you create an
00:21:54.090 --> 00:21:58.060
ecosystem that allows you to get the
conversations that you want given the,
00:21:58.460 --> 00:21:59.639
given the infrastructure you have.
00:22:00.619 --> 00:22:03.389
Matt Abrahams: So really thinking
through how the virtual can,
00:22:03.409 --> 00:22:04.859
can be a benefit can help.
00:22:05.419 --> 00:22:09.829
Question number two, who is a
communicator that you admire and why?
00:22:10.389 --> 00:22:14.389
Priya Parker: I deeply
admire Mayor Zohran Mamdani.
00:22:15.679 --> 00:22:19.659
I think he's an extraordinary
communicator, both from,
00:22:19.769 --> 00:22:22.889
um, his embodiment, his
physicality as a communicator.
00:22:22.889 --> 00:22:29.029
He, uh, he wants to be where he
is, which I think is actually
00:22:29.029 --> 00:22:30.429
a really powerful force.
00:22:30.490 --> 00:22:32.929
You know, when sometimes you see
people communicating and they may
00:22:32.929 --> 00:22:35.389
be saying the perfect speech, but
actually you can tell, like, they're
00:22:35.389 --> 00:22:36.790
not, their heart isn't really in it.
00:22:37.139 --> 00:22:39.270
Um, I think he's a very embodied leader.
00:22:39.310 --> 00:22:43.759
Um, and, and I think he's a brilliant
communicator in terms of being able
00:22:43.759 --> 00:22:49.849
to actually talk about issues across
communities that are high-wire acts and
00:22:49.859 --> 00:22:54.979
always come from what his values are and
inviting people into a world in which
00:22:55.019 --> 00:22:56.840
everyone gets to experience those values.
00:22:57.640 --> 00:22:58.250
Matt Abrahams: Excellent.
00:22:58.259 --> 00:23:01.509
So I like this idea of being
an embodied communicator.
00:23:01.519 --> 00:23:05.649
Be there and, and help others see
that you really want to be there.
00:23:06.269 --> 00:23:10.110
Final question, what are the first
three ingredients that go into a
00:23:10.110 --> 00:23:12.649
successful communication recipe?
00:23:13.100 --> 00:23:17.470
Priya Parker: Clarity of
purpose, clarity of audience,
00:23:19.926 --> 00:23:21.176
and specificity.
00:23:21.985 --> 00:23:24.926
Matt Abrahams: Clarity of purpose
and audience makes a lot of sense.
00:23:24.956 --> 00:23:28.326
You've talked a lot about that both in
your book, The Art of Gathering and The
00:23:28.326 --> 00:23:34.436
Art of Fighting, and then making sure that
you, you have a, a clear outcome in mind.
00:23:34.945 --> 00:23:35.735
Thank you, Priya.
00:23:35.925 --> 00:23:39.495
I knew from our last meeting that this
was going to be a great conversation.
00:23:39.835 --> 00:23:45.035
Thank you for helping us to hold heat and
really see the value that conversations
00:23:45.036 --> 00:23:49.675
that involve conflict can have in
our organizations and in our lives.
00:23:49.866 --> 00:23:51.055
Priya Parker: Thank you
so much for having me.
00:23:51.926 --> 00:23:54.136
Matt Abrahams: Thank you for joining
us for another episode of Think
00:23:54.136 --> 00:23:56.135
Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast.
00:23:56.426 --> 00:23:58.965
To learn more from Priya
Parker, check out episode 174.
00:23:58.965 --> 00:23:59.035
It was great again learning from Priya.
00:23:59.035 --> 00:23:59.385
The one
00:24:02.206 --> 00:24:07.616
thing I'm taking away that really stood
out to me was that you can add warmth,
00:24:07.825 --> 00:24:13.235
connection, levity to your conversations
that will help you be better at
00:24:13.235 --> 00:24:18.175
solving the more tangled and difficult
conversations and conflict that we have.
00:24:18.595 --> 00:24:23.785
This episode was produced by Katherine
Reed, Ryan Campos, and me, Matt Abrahams.
00:24:24.036 --> 00:24:28.035
Our music is from Floyd Wonder, with
special thanks to Podium Podcast Company.
00:24:28.445 --> 00:24:31.495
Please find us on YouTube and
wherever you get your podcasts.
00:24:31.996 --> 00:24:36.595
Be sure to check out fastersmarter.io
for deep-dive videos, English language
00:24:36.615 --> 00:24:38.905
learning content, and our newsletter.
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