308. Ask Matt Anything: From Nerves to Know-How in High-Stakes Moments

WEBVTT

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Matt Abrahams: Managing emotions,
yours and your audience's, is hard

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enough, but it's even harder when
you're under pressure to respond.

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I'm Matt Abrahams.

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I teach Strategic Communication at
Stanford Graduate School of Business.

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Welcome to this Quick Thinks episode
of Think Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast.

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Today's episode is a special one.

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We're taking you inside a recent
live Learning Community Ask

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Matt Anything that I hosted.

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Take a listen as I answer
real-world communication challenges.

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We discuss how to manage cognitive
load when you're under stress, the

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power of breathwork for regulating
your nervous system, and practical

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strategies for running meetings that
stay on track and keep people engaged.

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Enjoy this Quick Thinks episode packed
with engagement, education, and actionable

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advice you can start using today.

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Well, hello everybody.

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I am thrilled to be here with you, and
hopefully there are a few things I can

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share with you that might be of use.

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So I'm open to any questions you
have about communication that you

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think I might have some insight on.

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Would anybody like to start?

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Natalie, please.

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Learning Community Member 1: Yeah.

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So English is not my first language.

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I think by now I speak pretty decent
English, but my original mother language

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is Portuguese, and I moved to US recently.

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And one thing I'm struggling with
sometimes when I have high-stakes

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conversations, I feel the quality
of my English decreases a lot.

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So I wonder if you have any advice on how
to modulate that and make my English sound

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the same quality that it has, not worse.

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Matt Abrahams: Thank you for the question.

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I think the experience is very common.

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And while I think it's accentuated for
people who are speaking in a language

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that's not their native language, I
think this is true of everybody, all

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people, that when we feel stress or
emotion, like we're really passionate

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about something, that we might not
articulate our thoughts as well.

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And this really has to
do with cognitive load.

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Your brain is like a computer.

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You know, when you have your laptop or
your phone and you have lots of windows or

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apps open, each one of those is performing
less well because the others are open.

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And the same thing happens with our
brains, that when I get nervous, when

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I get excited, highly emotional, when
I'm worried that I might not be using

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the right words, that in and of itself,
those emotions take some of our precious

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cognitive load bandwidth that we have, and
it makes it harder for us to accomplish

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what we're trying to accomplish.

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So first and best way to handle
this is to reduce the cognitive

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load that the emotion has.

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So if you are somebody who gets
nervous when you're advocating in a

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high-stake situation, managing the
anxiety will reduce the cognitive load.

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If you're somebody who's really passionate
and excited about something, taking the

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opportunity to recognize that emotion
and put it to the side perhaps so in the

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moment you can be focused, that can help.

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So it's really about
emotional regulation to help.

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Now, that sounds easy, like, "Oh,
okay, great. I'll just manage my

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emotions." It's very hard to do, right?

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Especially if it's based on
anxiety or concern over grammar

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and vocabulary, et cetera.

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So it takes practice.

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It takes practice.

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And simulation is important.

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So one way to practice is to
simulate these high-stake situations.

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If you can stress test yourself
in situations that are similar,

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then you are better prepared.

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So managing the anxiety, and you
know I do a lot of work on anxiety

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management, lots of podcast episodes
on it, lots of writing about it.

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And then also finding situations where you
put yourself in that stressful situation

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so you become more accustomed to it, that
will free up more cognitive bandwidth.

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So I hope there's something there,
Natalie, that sounds useful to you, but

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it's really about the cognitive load,
and anything we can do to reduce the

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cognitive load of the circumstance will
help you articulate your thoughts better.

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Thank you.

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Arun, I'm curious if you have a question.

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Learning Community Member 2:
I do have a question, Matt.

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We live in an uncertain economic times.

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We, a lot of companies are restructuring.

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So us leaders, we are in a very high-stake
situation where we have to talk to our

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teams, our followers, and oftentimes
what we see is that there's a lot of

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anxiety and nervousness in the audience.

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When you're talking to, let's
say, ten people or fifty people or

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five hundred people, there is that
general sense of anxiety, and it

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gets compounded, especially when
you're on a Zoom or something.

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My question is: How do one approach
something like this and put the anxiety

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and the level of angst that people have
at rest and communicate what needs to

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be communicated in a thoughtful way?

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Matt Abrahams: It is true that times are
turbulent and things are changing, and

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that can be very unsettling for people.

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And often that brings anxiety and concern.

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And as leaders, as people in positions of
power, it's important to recognize that.

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And it's important to recognize
that the messages you have

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are important to get across.

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But if people are in a state of
fear and concern, they might not

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hear it or hear it the way you want.

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So it's important for you to be
empathetic and to recognize that.

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And the work you do in
advance to expect it.

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So before I ever walk into that
room, log into that Zoom, I'm

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thinking about my audience.

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You've heard me say that
lots and lots before.

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And on the podcast, it's the
number one bit of advice people

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share is know your audience.

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And part of that is understanding
their likely emotional state.

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And you can figure that out
by just your own empathy.

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How would I feel if I'm in that position?

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By asking people.

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There are lots of ways to determine that.

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So you shouldn't be surprised by it
if you do your preparation right.

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Now, I know in spontaneous situations
where things just happen, you might

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have to deal with it in the moment.

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I believe the best way to handle it is to
recognize it and to start by naming it.

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You know, if people are sitting there
in fear and concern, it's important to

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say, "There are a lot of things changing,
and they're changing in ways that are

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unpredictable and ambiguous. And today I
want to share how we're addressing it and

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some of the things that we're doing. And
I want to fully appreciate and honor the

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fact that some of us, myself included,
can be very concerned at this time."

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So naming it can be very
helpful to recognize.

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And making yourself available
to have conversations about it.

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So you might say, "And after I'm done
speaking or in the next week or so, I very

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much would like to hear from all of you to
better understand your concerns." So it's

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acknowledging it, and then it's providing
an avenue to have a discussion about it.

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I think that's first and
foremost most important.

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Doing the homework in
advance to understand it.

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Maybe setting expectations.

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I am a huge fan of setting expectations
in advance of communication, if possible.

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A meeting invite, a conversation with
people before the presentation or meeting

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to help people understand what you're
doing and the fact that you recognize

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that this is fraught with concern.

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And then at the end, check in with people.

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At the end, come back and say, "I hope
the things that I've shared give some

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insight and input that is helpful as
you experience the, these things, uh,

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as concerning." So making sure to really
acknowledge that even though you've

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just said something that hopefully
helps with some of that anxiety,

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that it still might exist and what
you're doing to follow up with it.

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This is going to help you and
your audience to connect and to

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really digest the information.

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It is hard for many people to live in
ambiguity and anxiety, and to help them

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understand that it's normal and natural
and that you appreciate it, I think

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gets you a long way towards your goal.

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Thank you for that question.

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Nasser, you have a question.

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Learning Community Member 3:
Good morning, Matt.

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So I'm sure like many, I'm in a position
to lead a lot of meetings, sometimes

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fun meetings, sometimes introductory
project meetings, sometimes project

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updates are not going so well.

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And for the most part, I think
we all do a reasonably good job,

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but I've always struggled with
repetitiveness of starting meetings.

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You know, you come in there with the
basics of, "Thank you for joining. I'm

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glad to be here," et cetera, et cetera.

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But I'd love to hear from a
communication sciences perspective,

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your view, and maybe even examples
of what you use to engage audiences.

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If I lead a team meeting or even board
meetings, what are some great icebreakers

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to really get people fully tuned in?

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And then as the meeting progresses,
we have a tendency to deviate

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from what the core subject or the
topic we were presenting, right?

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So what's your advice for getting
that meeting back on track and staying

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focused without alienating people?

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Matt Abrahams: So two really important
questions there, and questions that

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I think a lot of us struggle with
in meetings, and that is, how do we

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engage and get things moving forward
in a way that's not repetitive or

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actually working against ourselves,
and then how do we stay on track?

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I believe that there's a lot of
work that can be done in advance of

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the meeting actually taking place.

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I think the most underutilized expectation
setting tool is the calendar invite.

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And I think there's a lot you
can do in the calendar invite

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to set people's expectations and
to engage them before you start.

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Just thinking about how
you title the meeting.

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What is it called?

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Many of us just do blah,
blah, blah meeting.

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That's not very engaging or interesting.

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Is there a way I can name the
meeting that encourages people to

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perhaps get excited or focused on it?

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So maybe thinking about the
action or the main action that

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you'll be doing in the meeting.

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So can you put a verb, an action,
in the title of your meeting?

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What I like to do is I like to pose a
question or a challenge in all of my

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calendar invites, and I start our meetings
with that challenge or with that question.

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So when people come to the meeting,
they know that's how we're starting.

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Most people don't like coming to
meetings, and so we're going to

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start this meeting by reviewing the
previous meeting you didn't like.

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That makes no sense to me.

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So starting with some kind of
action, some kind of question and

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engagement can be really helpful.

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Using icebreakers is a great way to start.

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There are lots of tools.

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You know, if it's a recurring meeting
where people know each other, maybe

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a simple check-in just to see where
people are emotionally or stress-wise.

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You know, people use a stoplight.

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Are you red, green, yellow?

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Sometimes people use a weather forecast.

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Are you cloudy?

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Are you sunny?

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There are other icebreakers if you
don't know groups well or people well

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to get people to know each other,
get them interacting with each other.

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One of my favorites that I use in all
of my classes is an activity where I

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ask people to find things they have
in common and then share those things.

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It gets people talking.

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It gets them discussing.

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It's low stakes.

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So how you set expectations up front
and how you start really matters.

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I like starting with engagement
before I get to repeating or

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recounting what happened before.

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Now, in terms of how to stay on
track, part of what I include in

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my meeting invites is an agenda.

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Agendas are important.

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They are a structure for the meeting,
and I make it very clear at the beginning

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of the meetings that we have an agenda.

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There's time allocated
to different aspects.

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And if we need to deviate from
that, we all have to agree.

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So if I find that as I'm facilitating the
meeting, we have drift in some direction,

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maybe it's a great direction, maybe it's
a tangential direction, I call it out.

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I say, "Just want to remind everybody,
we've got these items on the agenda.

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Where are we going? Do we want to
allocate time to this or not?" So the

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meta-awareness and calling that out as
a leader I think is really important.

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Also, if you need to pull people
back just because somebody's talking

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too much or they're starting to
go on a tangent, this is where

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paraphrasing can be really helpful.

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Take something of value the person has
said, name it, and then pull it back.

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So I might say, "Nassar, that point was
really important about delivery date,

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and it actually ties to the next item of
the agenda, which is our implementation

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plan." So I interrupt you, name something
important that you've said, and then

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connect it to what's coming next.

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That's a really useful way for
me to keep the meeting moving.

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And then at the end of the meeting,
it's really important to come back

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and assess how the meeting went.

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So take thirty seconds, a minute
at the end of the meeting, and

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just debrief the quality of the
meeting, not rehashing the issues.

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But I might say, "It was really helpful
when Kamel paraphrased that point, it

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got us back on track." Or, "When Natalie
asked that question when we were sort

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of floundering, that really helped
us." And what I'm doing there is I'm

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rewarding the positive behaviors that
help the meeting run well, and it's

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sending a signal that I'm trying to
make these meetings run really well,

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and I need your help, and I'm noticing
what you're doing when you do help me.

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I'd like to take maybe one more question.

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Please, Ken.

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Learning Community Member 4: Yeah.

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So actually, what happened after Stanford
is, after returning back to Oslo,

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the business situation was much more
challenging than I was expecting, and

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it was probably the most challenging
months in my professional career.

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So it was really, really tough situation
until the end of last year, until I

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got a real good overview on, uh, where
we are, what are the challenges, how

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to move forward, and communicated
actually to a team and wrote a thank

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you for your commitment despite
the difficult situation and so on.

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But I also wanted to convey a
clear message actually, that

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the entire team needs to change.

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We need to adapt to the new circumstances.

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We need to accelerate, maybe also
processes, the way of working, et cetera.

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It's not like only waiting
for management to fix.

00:13:21.373 --> 00:13:26.763
It needs to be every single one who needs
to somehow adapt and to do the change.

00:13:27.310 --> 00:13:32.079
So for me, the key point is I would
like now to follow up on this and to

00:13:32.079 --> 00:13:38.189
try to communicate in a way that I can
actually, how to say, catch everyone.

00:13:38.529 --> 00:13:43.660
Still, I, I feel that some people
got it already, but I don't want

00:13:43.669 --> 00:13:47.800
to do it in a threatening way, you
know, that people are afraid and

00:13:47.829 --> 00:13:49.829
this anxiety, et cetera, et cetera.

00:13:50.019 --> 00:13:52.879
So I want to catch the people,
and this is kind of the challenge

00:13:52.900 --> 00:13:54.239
for the communication I have.

00:13:54.589 --> 00:13:54.909
Matt Abrahams: Right.

00:13:54.929 --> 00:13:55.729
So thank you, Ken.

00:13:55.729 --> 00:13:57.420
I appreciate you giving us context.

00:13:57.420 --> 00:14:03.309
So essentially, how do I motivate
change that is significant in a way

00:14:03.310 --> 00:14:06.379
that doesn't invoke anxiety and concern?

00:14:06.529 --> 00:14:07.509
And that's very hard.

00:14:07.749 --> 00:14:08.759
I have a few thoughts.

00:14:09.139 --> 00:14:13.079
First, I really think you should
lean into the mission, vision, values

00:14:13.079 --> 00:14:14.659
that you have in the organization.

00:14:15.019 --> 00:14:19.289
In theory, everybody in your firm,
in your company believes in and

00:14:19.290 --> 00:14:21.189
supports those mission, vision, values.

00:14:21.479 --> 00:14:25.829
So if you can lean into them and really
share what you are advocating for, the

00:14:25.839 --> 00:14:33.029
changes you are encouraging people to take
on, connect to and really relate to the

00:14:33.240 --> 00:14:35.039
mission, vision, values that you have.

00:14:35.259 --> 00:14:38.979
What we know from lots of research
in social science is if you can tap

00:14:38.979 --> 00:14:43.599
into what currently motivates people,
they are much more likely to be open

00:14:43.600 --> 00:14:47.159
to what it is you're saying because
you're showing what you're asking for is

00:14:47.159 --> 00:14:49.139
consistent with what they've already done.

00:14:49.579 --> 00:14:53.369
So is there a way to make that
message clear that the mission,

00:14:53.369 --> 00:14:57.179
vision, values have not changed,
but the activities we need to do

00:14:57.310 --> 00:14:59.589
in support of them have to change?

00:15:00.174 --> 00:15:03.384
Second, you have to make the
message salient and relevant

00:15:03.384 --> 00:15:04.343
to the different people.

00:15:04.804 --> 00:15:08.814
Different roles, different levels of
the organization have different key

00:15:08.924 --> 00:15:10.584
areas that are important to them.

00:15:10.893 --> 00:15:12.804
So you have to morph the message.

00:15:12.804 --> 00:15:16.183
You have to target the message
to be relevant to individuals.

00:15:16.194 --> 00:15:19.773
People only act on things that they
see as relevant and important to them.

00:15:20.203 --> 00:15:23.824
So we don't create one broadcast
message and send it to everybody.

00:15:23.924 --> 00:15:25.384
We have to tailor that message.

00:15:25.404 --> 00:15:27.853
And sometimes we can just ask
people to help us do that.

00:15:27.853 --> 00:15:31.723
So you can give a broadcast message
and then challenge everybody to think

00:15:31.723 --> 00:15:35.784
about the implications that has for
them and how they can contribute.

00:15:36.214 --> 00:15:39.774
And you have to have clear lines
of connection between what you're

00:15:39.774 --> 00:15:43.183
asking people to do and the goal
that you're trying to achieve.

00:15:43.194 --> 00:15:45.754
People need to see that what
they're being asked to do

00:15:45.973 --> 00:15:47.553
connects to the broader picture.

00:15:47.764 --> 00:15:52.463
So creating a communication
infrastructure around these change

00:15:52.463 --> 00:15:54.283
messages becomes very important.

00:15:54.463 --> 00:15:56.793
That means you have to think
about targeting the message

00:15:56.793 --> 00:15:58.134
differently to different people.

00:15:58.334 --> 00:16:00.763
You have to have different
processes in place to get the

00:16:00.764 --> 00:16:02.493
feedback and repeat the message.

00:16:02.494 --> 00:16:04.514
We have to repeat messages over and over.

00:16:04.843 --> 00:16:07.444
And you might need to even look at
different channels for delivering

00:16:07.444 --> 00:16:09.064
the message, depending on the people.

00:16:09.223 --> 00:16:11.883
You know, the class I teach
is strategic communication.

00:16:11.883 --> 00:16:14.934
We have to be very strategic
about the communication.

00:16:14.943 --> 00:16:16.063
It takes a lot of work.

00:16:16.483 --> 00:16:19.983
But I like that you're sensitive
to how important communication

00:16:19.983 --> 00:16:21.323
is, so thank you there.

00:16:21.543 --> 00:16:25.994
And I thank all of you for joining me
today and for the insightful questions.

00:16:25.994 --> 00:16:28.193
It was a true thrill to be with you.

00:16:30.582 --> 00:16:32.682
Thank you for joining us
for another episode of Think

00:16:32.682 --> 00:16:34.592
Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast.

00:16:34.922 --> 00:16:40.292
To learn more about all of these various
skills, take a listen to our back catalog.

00:16:40.652 --> 00:16:45.202
This episode was produced by Katherine
Reed, Ryan Campos, and me, Matt Abrahams.

00:16:45.732 --> 00:16:47.192
Our music is from Floyd Wonder.

00:16:47.192 --> 00:16:49.552
With special thanks to
Podium Podcast Company.

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