330. Quick Thinks: A CLEAR Way Through Conflict

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Conflict and challenge
can arise in a flash.

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Being able to communicate calmly
and clearly in these situations

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can have a huge impact on your
short and long-term relationships.

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My name is Matt Abrahams, and I
teach Strategic Communication at

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Stanford Graduate School of Business.

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Welcome to this special Quick
Thinks episode of Think Fast,

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Talk Smart, the podcast.

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I am thrilled to share that an updated
version of my Think Faster, Talk Smarter

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book and audiobook is now available.

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I've added content that shares how
best to leverage AI for spontaneous

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speaking, how to reduce the added
communication anxiety AI can bring,

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along with many other best practices I've
learned since the book first came out.

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Additionally, I've added a chapter
many people requested on how to

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handle in-the-moment conflict.

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Take a listen to an excerpt from the
updated audiobook on how to better

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manage emotional challenges that
can flare up in our relationships.

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Application number seven: staying calm,
focused, and clear when conflict strikes.

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Key insight.

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Years ago, a friend of mine ran into
some unexpected trouble during a birthday

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dinner for his sister that he was hosting.

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As my friend was slicing up his sister's
favorite roast chicken dish, she made a

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snide remark about his parenting skills.

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Feeling hurt and offended,
he couldn't help but lob some

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bitter insults back at her.

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Their dispute escalated, and despite
the efforts of other family members

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to intervene, his sister stormed out.

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The two didn't speak for a few years.

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Today, my friend realizes that their
rupture didn't have to happen, but

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was spurred by the spontaneous,
unpredictable nature of the conflict.

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Caught by surprise, he simply couldn't
handle the situation as calmly

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and productively as he might have.

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Conflicts in relationships
might be unpleasant, but

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they aren't inherently bad.

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In fact, they're essential.

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Research suggests that conflict, when
properly handled, can lead to better

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work outcomes, stronger relationships,
and creative problem-solving.

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The key is to overcome the strong
emotions that seize hold of us when we

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unexpectedly find ourselves under fire.

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The spontaneous nature of these moments is
precisely what makes them so challenging.

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When someone takes offense at a
comment we've made, or interrupts with

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sharp criticism, or says something
that disappoints us and leaves us

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stewing, we know that an aggressive
or otherwise ill-advised retort on

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our part will only make matters worse.

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We have to get our message right,
but we're also usually not at our

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calmest, clearest, or most rational.

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These situations demand our very
best communication precisely when

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our stress response undermines
our ability to deliver it.

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As Joseph Grenny, co-author of the book
Crucial Conversations notes, "Under

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conditions of threat, we have a tendency
to tell ourselves three kinds of stories:

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victim, villain, and helpless stories." In
the moment, my friend might have convinced

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himself that he was a helpless victim
who had been accosted by his sister.

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He hadn't done anything to deserve that.

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He might have framed his sister as
the villain, someone who apparently

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feels entitled to say whatever she
wants, regardless of whom she hurts.

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He might have justified the insults
he threw at her by reasoning that he

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had no choice as he was under attack.

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Anyone affronted like he'd been
would have responded similarly.

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He was helpless to respond otherwise.

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These three kinds of narratives work
together to lock us into defensiveness.

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They amp up our emotions and justify
unhealthy responses, creating what

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researchers call a conflict spiral
in which negative emotions and

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expressions feed on themselves.

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We're not doomed to such spirals.

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With the right tools and a bit of
practice, we can train ourselves

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to overcome the emotions that arise
when we're caught by surprise so

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that we can respond in ways that
strengthen our relationships.

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Although we might not always achieve
the outcomes we want, we can boost our

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chances if we learn to manage conflict
productively and disagree nicely

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Why it matters.

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Understanding how to communicate
effectively in these unplanned

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conflict moments is one of the most
valuable skills we can develop.

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When we mishandle impromptu disagreements
at work or at home, our productivity

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and that of others around us declines.

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Our relationships fracture,
and we can suffer long-term

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damage to our reputations.

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We also miss the opportunity to learn
about ourselves and others, which

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could lead to better solutions and set
us up better for future interactions.

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When we become adept at disagreeing,
we can become more effective, happier,

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and connected with others around us.

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Craft your content.

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A mountain of research exists around
conflict, and I've been fortunate to

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have a number of experts appear on my
Think Fast, Talk Smart podcast as guests.

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Coming away from these conversations, it
occurred to me that devices from earlier

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in this audiobook, for instance, what,
so what, now what, can help structure

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our communication responses in conflict,
so we don't simply need another one.

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Instead, we need a method for
cautiously laying the groundwork

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for an effective response.

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Before we can pin down precisely how
to communicate when in the heat of

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conflict, we first must step back,
calm ourselves, and interrogate

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the situation in a methodical way.

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Synthesizing the insights and
approaches of my podcast guests,

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I've arrived at a five-step framework
called CLEAR, C-L-E-A-R, that allows

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us to achieve a refreshing clarity
even in the most heated moments.

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C, check yourself.

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L, listen with receptiveness.

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E, explore their perspective.

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A, acknowledge before advocating.

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R, respond strategically.

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After running through the first
four steps in the CLEAR framework,

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you can then leverage earlier
structures in the R step to help you

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craft your message in the moment.

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Let's explore each of
these five steps in turn.

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Step one: Check yourself.

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Self-awareness is the foundation for
effective communication during conflicts.

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You can't engage productively with
others if you don't understand

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your own internal state.

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Jenn Wynn, a professor at New York
University's Stern School of Business,

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advises we should first look for cues
and clues that we're feeling triggered:

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a lump in our throat, butterflies,
a clenched jaw, a quickened pulse.

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If we sense these and similar signs,
we can learn to pause, even just

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for a few seconds, taking a breath
or two while imagining a peaceful

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place or person whom we find calming.

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This serves to activate our
parasympathetic nervous system and

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counteract our stress response.

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It also gives us a moment to shift
out of a reactive mode and move from a

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hotter emotional state to a cooler one.

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As we're pausing, we can reframe
the situation in our minds,

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reminding ourselves that what we
initially took as a threat might

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actually be an opportunity to learn.

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We might ask ourselves why someone
might reasonably be acting as

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our partner in conflict is.

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Example: Years ago, a colleague
of mine, I'll call him Chuck,

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and I were collaborating on a
fairly high-stakes work project.

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During a meeting with our mutual boss,
Chuck proposed a course of action

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that undercut me and ran counter to
what he and I had previously agreed.

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I was surprised and angry.

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I felt my chest tighten as it
always does when I get upset, and

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this clued me in to take a moment
to pause and check in with myself.

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Rather than rushing to confront Chuck
in front of our boss, I managed to

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calmly ask Chuck why he thought his
approach was the best course of action.

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Step two: Listen openly.

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Once you've checked yourself, focus
on listening, making use of the

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skills presented in chapter four.

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Passive hearing isn't enough.

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You must show genuine curiosity about
the other person's perspective and

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openness to what they might be saying.

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What Harvard University's Julia Minson
calls conversational receptiveness.

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As she found in her research,
adding simple phrases that express

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a willingness to learn dramatically
changes how others perceive us.

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Try saying, "I understand this is a
really complicated topic, and I'd love

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to understand your point of view," or, "I
get that some people might disagree, and

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I'd like to learn about your perspective."

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You can also convey curiosity explicitly
by asking respectful, open questions.

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As the person speaks, process what
they're saying rather than planning

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out what you're going to say next.

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We often feel uncomfortable
showing curiosity when we're in

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conflict with others, as it can
feel like we're acquiescing.

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But the benefits of curiosity
and listening are significant.

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As Minson notes, research
participants who expressed curiosity

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came across as dramatically more
reasonable and thoughtful and

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pleasant than those who didn't.

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Example, in my conflict with Chuck, I
asked lots of questions, including, "What

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are the short and long-term implications
of your plan of action?" And, "Are there

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ways that we can support your goals
while also addressing mine?" I queried

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him about specific tactical issues
like cost, timing, and scalability.

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My tone here was critically important.

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I conveyed genuine curiosity
and deference, listening

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intently to his responses.

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Although Chuck did provide a clear
rationale and detailed information,

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he wound up digging into his position.

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This wasn't what I'd hoped, but at
least I had a better sense of how

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strongly he held his position and
how thoroughly he'd thought it out.

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Step three: Explore their perspective.

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Before you can respond effectively,
be sure that you understand not

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just what the other person is
saying, but why they're saying it.

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This requires that you think
strategically about their situation,

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motivations, and interests.

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Ask yourself, "What's going on in this
person's mind? What concerns do they

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have?" Thinking back to the villain
stories that Joseph Grenny mentioned, try

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to challenge such narratives in your mind.

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Might this person be behaving more
reasonably or rationally than you think?

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Do they have insight, perspective,
or experience that you lack, and

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might this be guiding their actions?

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Are you ascribing negative intent
to them where none existed?

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Example: as my conversation with Chuck
unfolded, my boss and I learned that

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he was really most concerned about
finding a new role for an employee

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of his who had a lot of potential but
was struggling in his current role.

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The desire to help this employee
was a key reason that Chuck had

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deviated from the course of action
on which we'd previously agreed

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Step four: Acknowledge before advocating.

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Once you understand the other
person's perspective, don't just

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rush in presenting your own.

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Rather, convey your understanding
by paraphrasing back what the

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other person said and making sure
that you've heard them correctly.

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Many conflicts flare out of control
because we rush to make our point without

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first showing we've genuinely listened.

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By conveying our understanding,
we're not necessarily agreeing

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with the other person.

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We're simply demonstrating that we've
heard them and that we respect them enough

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to consider carefully what they're saying.

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In repeating what you've heard,
emphasize any points of agreement,

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ask for clarification if needed,
and guard against subtly disparaging

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or reframing what they've said
in the course of paraphrasing it.

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When conveying disagreement,
don't immediately contradict

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it, but instead point to a more
integrative and inclusive approach.

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Instead of saying, "I understand you're
frustrated, but we discussed this

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deadline last week," say, "I understand
why you might be frustrated, and I

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wanna talk about how we can make this
deadline work." The simple use of and

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instead of but makes all the difference.

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Example: After posing questions and
listening attentively, I recounted Chuck's

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position in my own words, indicating
that I understood how strongly he felt

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and that I appreciated his position.

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I also indicated respectfully that
I didn't agree with him and that I

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also had an alternative viewpoint
that was worth considering.

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Step five: Respond strategically.

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After the first four steps, you're
finally ready to respond substantively.

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You might feel tempted to advocate
strongly for your position and

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adopt a take no prisoners approach.

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Instead, respond with an eye
toward maintaining the relationship

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and keeping dialogue open.

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Following the advice given elsewhere
in this audiobook, clarify your own

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deeper goals and core priorities,
and adjust your communication given

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the specific relationships in play.

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Think, too, about which communication
medium might be the most

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advantageous given the circumstances.

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Instead of responding immediately in
the moment, perhaps it would help to

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wait a few hours and send an email.

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Doing so might give you and the
other person time and space to

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think and let your emotions cool.

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On the other hand, email might feel too
formal, and using it might be taken as

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a sign of distancing and disrespect.

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It all depends on the situation.

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Example: In my conflict with Chuck,
I thought of a way we could implement

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his desired course of action while
modifying it to satisfy my concerns.

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We could adopt a phased approach
that allowed his employee to

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do both the role Chuck wanted
and a bit of the role I needed.

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This wasn't a perfect solution,
but it was good enough.

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Although Chuck grew heated, I
presented this solution in a way

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that was calm and reasonable.

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My boss expressed appreciation for
the professional way I'd conducted

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myself, and in the end, he decided
to go with what I proposed.

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Well, there you have it, a clear
way to handle the in-the-moment

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conflicts that we all experience.

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I find myself relying on these
techniques often, and they

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really can make a difference.

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I encourage you to use
these techniques as well.

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Please check out my updated Think
Faster, Talk Smarter book wherever

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you get your books and audiobooks.

00:14:55.875 --> 00:15:00.796
This episode was produced by Katherine
Reed, Ryan Campos, and me, Matt Abrahams.

00:15:01.058 --> 00:15:04.676
Our music is from Floyd Wonder, with
special thanks to Podium Podcast

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Company and the audio team at Simon
& Schuster for providing this excerpt.