One snide comment at a birthday dinner ended a sibling relationship for years. And the fix for moments like this fits into five letters.
In this Quick Thinks episode, Matt Abrahams shares an excerpt from the updated audiobook edition of his book, Think Faster, Talk Smarter, which now includes a new chapter on handling in-the-moment conflict. Drawing on research from Crucial Conversations co-author Joseph Grenny, NYU’s Jenn Wynn, and Harvard’s Julia Minson, Matt breaks down why spontaneous conflict is so hard to navigate and introduces C.L.E.A.R., a five-step framework for staying calm and communicating effectively the instant tension flares. He illustrates each step with a real workplace story about a colleague who blindsided him in front of their boss and shows exactly how the framework plays out when stakes are high and emotions run hot.
Here are some takeaways from this episode:
• A single offhand comment at a family dinner - entirely preventable - caused a rift that lasted years.
• Your brain tells you three stories the instant you feel attacked, and all three make things worse.
• Your body gives off physical warning signs seconds before you say something you’ll regret.
• Showing curiosity in an argument feels like giving in but other people read it very differently.
• One single, grammatical word swap can diffuse tension almost instantly in a disagreement.
• Matt’s C.L.E.A.R. framework for staying calm and clear in moments when you’re least likely to be either.
• How to turn a colleague undercutting someone in front of the boss into a win.
• Choosing the right medium to respond can matter just as much as choosing the right words.
The secret to effectively managing a conflict is knowing that conflicts are a healthy way to deepen relationships, and this episode tells you exactly how to do that.
Audio excerpt courtesy of Simon & Schuster Audio from THINK FASTER, TALK SMARTER by Matt Abrahams, read by the author. Copyright © 2023 by Matt Abrahams. Used with permission of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
About Matt
Matt Abrahams is a leading communication expert, lecturer in organizational behavior at Stanford GSB, and host of the award-winning Think Fast, Talk Smart podcast. He has coached presenters at TED, the World Economic Forum, and the UN Secretary-General's office, and his online talks have garnered millions of views worldwide. He is the author of Think Faster, Talk Smarter and Speaking Up without Freaking Out, two bestselling guides to confident, spontaneous communication.
Key Quotes
• “Conflicts in relationships might be unpleasant, but they aren’t inherently bad. In fact, they’re essential.” - Matt Abrahams (01:57)
• “You can’t engage productively with others if you don’t understand your own internal state.” - Matt Abrahams (06:40)
• "Many conflicts flare out of control because we rush to make our point without first showing we've genuinely listened." - Matt Abrahams (11:42)
• “The simple use of ‘and’ instead of ‘but’ makes all the difference.” - Matt Abrahams (12:31)
Chapters
00:00 Introduction
01:04 The Dinner That Ended a Relationship
02:50 3 Stories Your Brain Tells You Mid-Fight
05:44 Five Letters From Many Experts
06:31 Step 1: The Signal Your Body Sends When You’re Snapping
08:18 Step 2: Phrases That Change How You're Seen in A Conflict
11:20 Step 3: The One-Word Swap That Diffuses Disagreements
13:00 Step 4: How a Blindsided Colleague Turned a Setback Into a Win
14:33 Conclusion
Relevant Links:
Matt's Book Think Faster Talk Smarter: https://bookplease.ai/abrahams/think-faster-talk-smarter-2?podcast=think-fast-talk-smart
Think Fast Talk Smart Website: https://www.fastersmarter.io/
Think Fast Talk Smart Learning Community: https://www.fastersmarter.io/learning
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