How To Speak Up — When You Don’t Want To | From TED Business

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Matt Abrahams: Speaking your mind can
be incredibly scary, especially at work.

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You might question yourself, worrying
if you came off as demanding,

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rude, or just wrong in front of the
people whose opinions matter most.

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I'm Matt Abrahams and I teach
Strategic Communication at Stanford

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Graduate School of Business.

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Welcome to this very special episode
of Think Fast Talk Smart, the podcast.

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This week I wanna share ideas for how
to communicate our thoughts in important

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situations by sharing a special episode
from a podcast I love called TED Business.

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It features practical tips
and insights from healthcare

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leader Sarah Crawford-Bohl.

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She'll offer a framework that will
allow you to take in feedback with a

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little more ease, turn conflict into an
opportunity for connection, and choose

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moments to speak up with more certainty.

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I hope you enjoy this
episode as much as I did.

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Modupe Akinola: I've brought up
my late friend and mentor Kathy

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Phillips before on this podcast.

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She had a profound impact on my
life and the lessons I've learned

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from her remain with me to this day.

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One of the things she often
talked about was the importance of

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sticking your neck out and engaging
in difficult conversations even

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when you don't really want to.

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She had a mantra for this that I'll
always remember, if not you, then who?

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If not now, then when?

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I am Modupe Akinola.

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This is TED Business, a podcast from TED.

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Our speaker today is healthcare
leader Sarah Crawford-Bohl.

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Her North Star is her late mom,
an intensive care nurse who was no

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stranger to difficult conversations.

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Today, Sarah will share some of the
wisdom she learned from her mother and

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give concrete advice on how to speak up.

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Then after the talk, I'll reflect on some
more sound advice from my colleagues.

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But first, a quick break.

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Sarah crawford-Bohl now takes the stage.

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Sarah Crawford-Bohl: Silence.

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It can be a needed moment of peace
and contemplation, but what happens

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when silence becomes a barrier?

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A barrier that muffles the voice
of truth, of advocacy, of change.

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Speak up.

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Advocate for yourself.

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Stand up for what you believe in.

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That's what they say, right?

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Well, even though I know they're
right, it's easier said than done.

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I'm sure we can all think of a time
when we faced a crossroads, perhaps

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the precipice of an uncomfortable
conversation, when speaking up felt

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like the right, if not even essential
path, but silence seemed safer.

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I can vividly see and feel
myself being in those moments.

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Times when I stood red faced, embarrassed,
or offended, or frustrated, or angry with

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a sinking feeling in my stomach, unable
to find my voice and unsure if I had

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the courage, confidence, or will to face
the difficult conversation before me.

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Sound familiar?

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We're not alone.

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Research from VitalSmarts, a global
leader in organizational performance

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and leadership tells us people
would rather quit their jobs than

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address a challenging situation.

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In this post pandemic time with
baby boomers retiring and a wave of

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quiet resignation upon us, the world
seems to be working short staffed.

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Now, I'm a nurse and I've worked
in healthcare leadership for a long

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time, and I'm here to tell you, in
this profession we can't risk losing

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anyone, especially not for the reason
of avoiding a challenging conversation.

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In a world where we are experiencing
increasingly rapid cycles of change,

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we can expect difficult conversations,
particularly in the workplace to

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happen more often than ever before.

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Moments such as sharing
feedback, identifying mistakes,

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or calling out disrespect.

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They're not always easy, but
often critical to the performance

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of both individuals and a team.

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In healthcare where stakes are high,
our willingness to raise concerns

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can be vital to the quality of care
we provide, but also to the safety

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of patients and the care team.

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In fact, research also tells us that
when we do speak up, we experience

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more job satisfaction, increased
team morale, and in my world,

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support better patient outcomes.

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I've experienced this for myself.

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Now I don't have all the answers
and I don't always get it right.

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In fact, I, I make a mess of it sometimes.

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But often I've found it's a bit
like cardio or weightlifting.

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Well, we feel a bit vulnerable
at the time, with practice, we

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start to experience the benefits.

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It gets easier and we get better at it.

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We need to find a path to help us get
past that initial fight, flight, or freeze

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response to get us to the table and make
leaning into uncomfortable conversations

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the desired action for our own benefit,
as well as to benefit those around us.

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Now, I was fortunate I had some amazing
role modeling by parents who encouraged

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me to use my voice, specifically when
I knew I should but didn't want to.

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My mom, an intensive care nurse
for many years, had a special

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ability to address tough topics.

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Traumas, embarrassing bodily functions,
or sharing critical feedback.

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She always created airtime
for normally avoided matters.

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With a fierce moral compass that was
sometimes incredibly frustrating,

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she advocated for what was right,
showing me the importance of

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standing up for oneself and others,
even when uncomfortable to do so.

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My mom, she died a long time ago now,
and I still miss her desperately.

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Something I think I miss the most
though is her always knowing the

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right thing to do and the way she
guided me with that moral compass.

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And despite having a couple of degrees
under my belt, lessons learned from

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that moral compass, they guide me
more than any of my formal learning.

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She showed me that as leaders, and I mean
all leaders, both formal and informal,

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we play a pivotal role in leaning into
courageous conversations and creating

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the safe place for others to do the same.

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It's probably our strong commitment
in this area that inspired me to go

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into healthcare leadership, a path
that often puts me in an area of high

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conflict and tricky conversations.

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But in doing so, exposes me to innovation,
change making, and meaningful work.

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It's an incredible career that I'm
honored to be a part of, and I owe it

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to my mom and myself to do it well.

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So when I find myself needing courage
and confidence, making that moment

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to step into the abyss of a difficult
conversation, I try to remember my

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mom's moral compass and the principles
she worked so hard to nurture in me.

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I imagine holding a compass in
my hand, the cool metal upon my

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skin, taking a breath, a moment
to pause and ground myself.

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I see the directions of north,
south, east, and west as symbols,

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reminders of her core teachings.

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North, I think about the North
Star, a guide towards the

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good and right thing to do.

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In tricky situations I
remember my mom's voice.

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Be the best version of yourself.

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Take the high road.

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Say what needs to be said.

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South, the S in south
reminds me of support.

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When people support me
I feel seen, cared for.

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When it comes to supporting
others, I try to do the same.

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Leaning into tricky conversations
with kindness and an intention

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of helping people grow.

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And east, the E stands for empathy.

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Empathy sets the tone for a conversation.

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As a leader, I want people
to feel safe coming to me.

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I try to understand their
feelings and create a safe

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place for them to be themselves.

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And West, the W stands for wonder,
getting curious about what might

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be going on for the other person.

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I ask questions and listen, so I
understand before trying to be understood.

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When I focus on the principles of
the compass, I'm able to move from

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reactive to proactive, getting
into a mindset where I can be true

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to my values and share my voice.

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I recall a situation not long ago where
I was able to put the compass to use.

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I was in a change management and
communications role for a big project,

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and while the work was complex
and bumpy, I was proud of myself.

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I was writing good stuff, inspiring
hearts and minds, or so I thought.

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One day a physician came into
the office where I was meeting

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with my boss, my boss's boss,
and a number of other leaders.

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He had one of my newsletters printed
out and was waving it in the air.

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Who is the cheerleader
sending out this stuff?

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As an optimist, sometimes to a fault,

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I knew right away that cheerleader was me.

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While I was embarrassed, I had a split
second to decide, stay silent or speak up.

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The compass came in handy
in that moment, North Star.

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What was the good and right thing to do?

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Well, I needed to own my
work, take the feedback.

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So I said that would be me.

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He lowered his arm and said,
well, this is too positive,

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not an accurate representation
of what we're going through.

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While still defensive I
remembered support and empathy.

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I wanted to create a safe place
where he could feel seen and heard.

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So I suggested we sit down together so
I could better understand his concerns.

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Next step, wonder.

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We went to his office and I
asked curious questions and over

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some tea he told me his story.

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He got out a red pen and circled
the nine times I'd mentioned

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something positive in that article.

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I acknowledged there's too
many, understandably devaluing.

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I then asked if we could look for
times I'd mentioned challenges.

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To his surprise, and frankly my
own, 18 times, 18 I'd mentioned

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things that needed to be fixed.

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I was able to let him know I was
embarrassed by being called out in

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front of my superiors and he apologized.

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You know, that time spent together,
it was valuable for me and I think we

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both took something meaningful away.

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So I always remember the moral compass.

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North, North Star south, support,
east, empathy, and west, wonder.

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I know when I'm true to my compass
I'm courageous, confident, the

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person I wanna be, and I think the
daughter my parents would be proud of.

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And with my husband and our two daughters,
I get the chance to pay it forward.

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So I hope you'll join me in leaning
into tricky conversations, not only

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finding our voices, but understanding the
imperative to use them, stand up against

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the wrong, champion the right, and be
the voice for those who cannot speak for

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themselves, no matter how shaky or unsure.

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We can be a powerful instrument of
change and advocacy, leaving all

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people involved stronger as a result.

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Thank you.

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Modupe Akinola: That was Sarah
Crawford-Bohl speaking at TEDx RRU.

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I love Sarah's image of the compass and
the acronym she's created from it to

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ground herself in a delicate conversation.

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One of the hardest times to speak
up is when we've messed up and we

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are the ones who need to swallow
our pride, take accountability

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for our actions, and apologize.

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And my colleague, Adam Galinsky, has
an acronym for this too, QORC, or

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as he likes to call it, QORC crisis.

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I'll break it down for you.

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Q is for quick.

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Make sure you can apologize as
soon as you can, so there's no

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time for conflict to fester.

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O is for open.

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Be candid and open in your apology.

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R is for responsibility, as in
take responsibility and focus

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on the other person and how
it might have affected them.

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And finally, C is for commit.

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Commit to change.

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Let them know what you might do
differently next time or in the future.

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It's okay if you need a little pep
talk or a small map to help guide

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you through a difficult interaction.

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And if you can try to remember that the
beauty of difficult conversations is that

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they can actually be transformational.

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That's it for today.

00:15:26.720 --> 00:15:29.540
Ted Business is part of
the TED Audio Collective.

00:15:30.320 --> 00:15:35.615
This episode was produced by Hannah
Kingsley-Ma, edited by Alejandra Salazar,

00:15:35.885 --> 00:15:37.775
and fact checked by Julia Dickerson.

00:15:38.225 --> 00:15:43.355
Special thanks to Maria Ladias,
Farrah de Grunge, Daniella Balarezo,

00:15:43.764 --> 00:15:47.390
Tansica S, and Roxanne Hai Lash.

00:15:47.760 --> 00:15:49.140
I'm Modupe Akinola.

00:15:49.350 --> 00:15:50.220
Thanks for listening.

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Matt Abrahams: That was an episode of
TED Business with hosts Modupe Akinola.

00:15:58.530 --> 00:16:02.819
Hear more business advice from weekly
TED talks to in-depth interviews

00:16:02.819 --> 00:16:07.110
with speakers on TED Business
wherever you listen to your podcasts.