283. Ask Matt Anything: Authenticity, Anxiety, and Answering Well

[00:00:00] Matt Abrahams: Let's flip the script. Instead of asking questions today, I'm going to answer some. I'm Matt Abrahams and I teach Strategic Communication at Stanford Graduate School of Business. Welcome to this Quick Thinks, Ask Matt Anything episode of Think Fast Talk Smart, the podcast. One of the many, many things I love about our Think Fast Talk Smart Learning Community is interacting with our members. I do this through posts, comments and discussions, along with our author talks and AMAs, Ask Matt Anythings. Today I'm sharing a portion of our recent Learning Community AMA. Listen in to learn about authenticity, anxiety management, and answering questions well. And consider joining the Learning Community fastersmarter.io/learning to ask your questions live. So let's jump right in.

[00:00:53] Chris, what's your question, please? 

[00:00:54] Learning Community Member 1: Question Matt, so I do a lot of email correspondence and, and the nature of my job is people are trying to sell me things all the time. And there's one introduction that people often use to an email that I've, I just don't like it and I really try to avoid it. It's people saying, I hope you're doing well. I know you'll understand what I'm talking about, but I understand why it's there. But it's soft language. It's an empty gesture 'cause it doesn't matter. And so I found myself, when I compose an email, I just skip anything like that and go straight to business. What are your thoughts on that and your experience with that? 

[00:01:29] Matt Abrahams: It's funny that you bring that up, Chris. So Glenn Kramon, who was one of our early guests, he is a colleague of mine at the business school. He teaches a course on writing. He is an editor at the New York Times. He has exactly the same pet peeve. He does not like the superfluous nature of that, and I agree it's trite now that people do it. However, I do like the notion of trying to connect first before jumping into an ask. I think in some cases it can be a little off-putting if you just jump in straight away and say, I need this. I think other modes of communication are more for that type of transactional, get to the point. I'm thinking of Slack or even texting.

[00:02:10] Email to me feels slightly more formal and that's where I, I like to start with some kind of connection. I'll perhaps say hello. I might comment on the day. I might say, I hope that your Tuesday is going well. I might comment on something I know that the person has done. If I have some connection with them, I might say, you know, how is your kid's basketball game? I know the last time we spoke, you mentioned it. So for me personally, it's a little hard on email to jump right in with the ask. That said, I totally appreciate your point in using something trite, I think can be difficult. Do you use, Chris, I'm gonna put a question to you. Do you use any kind of, uh, affectation or do you just jump straight in?

[00:02:53] Learning Community Member 1: I think I usually just say, I'd like to share this with you, or, I was thinking of you and this, this is what I would like to share with you.

[00:03:00] Matt Abrahams: Excellent. 

[00:03:01] Learning Community Member 1: Yeah. 

[00:03:01] Matt Abrahams: Yeah. So you do, you do connect a little bit. I mean, we have a lot of research, we have a lot of research that says connect first really helps. It builds some warmth and relationship. Uh, in an email, I think just as I, I would say if a phone call or a remote call like this, there is some time that, that I think should be reserved for connecting first. But something trite such as hope you are well is a bit much. Uh, other questions that you might have? 

[00:03:30] Learning Community Member 2: Hi, I am Jophan. I'm from Germany, originally from India. Whenever I try to speak something impromptu, it just seems like I'm speaking too fast, and then there is this mess in my head that I'm trying to string it through. So do you have any suggestions or any helpful tips that I can follow? 

[00:03:49] Matt Abrahams: Thank you for the question. So Jophan, you're asking when speaking, your brain is working really fast, you're thinking of a lot of things, and sometimes when you end up speaking then you end up speaking fast. And how are there ways to slow that down? So there's several things to do. First, we feel this intense pressure in the moment, as you mentioned, to respond right away. And we don't have to, you can take a pause, you can actually ask for it. You can say, let me think about that for a moment. Or perhaps you could ask a follow on question to get the other person responding so you can collect your thoughts.

[00:04:22] Or any of you who've listened to the show, know that I am a huge fan of paraphrasing, extracting a key essence. All three of those buy you a little bit of time so that you can collect your thoughts so you don't feel as rushed. Because when we feel rushed, we begin to think faster, we get a little nervous and anxious. So that's just giving yourself time. Second, slowing yourself down. Taking a deep breath. When we get very anxious, we breathe shallow, we start thinking quickly, and we speak quickly. So taking a deep breath slows down the autonomic nervous system, slows down your breath rate, so you'll speak more slowly, and it can actually slow down your thought process because you're calming yourself down.

[00:05:04] Mentally, what I encourage you to do when you get in those moments is to think to yourself, what's the bottom line of what I want to say? Anchor yourself. A lot of us in those moments, we think a lot of thoughts all at once and it can get jumbled. And that jumbled nature makes us think quicker 'cause we're trying to figure things out. Just say to yourself, what's the bottom line of my response? What's the bottom line of my thought or feeling? Ground yourself there and then build your response from that point. And as you know, I'm a big fan of structure. This might be where what, so what, now what, then comes in once I hit the bottom line.

[00:05:40] Learning Community Member 2: When you are saying to slow down while speaking, so I, I believe I'm a fast speaker and probably it's for the good or maybe for the worst, but I feel comfortable when I'm speaking fast. So do you have any ideas or suggestions how I can really improve to slow down speaking or am I really fighting against my instinct?

[00:06:01] Matt Abrahams: Many of us speak faster than we want to, or in some cases should. Speaking quickly boils down to breath. Your voice is a wind instrument, just like a flute, a clarinet, a saxophone. So breath is really critical. So there are three things I recommend to people to help slow down. First, breathe more deeply. When you breathe deeply, you are actually slowing down your speaking rate because it just takes longer to do. When I breathe shallow, I speak really quickly because I'm breathing fast. So I, so when I take a deep breath, I slow down. So first, if you know you're going into an interaction where you're likely to speak quickly and you want to speak slower, take a deep belly breath. Second, gesture more slowly, I bet you gesture quickly. Most people who speak fast gesture fast.

[00:06:54] We sync up our gesture rate and our speaking rate. So another thing you can do to slow yourself down is to gesture more slowly. The slower I gesture, the slower I speak. So low, slow breathing, slower gestures. And then the final bit of advice is a mental idea, which is imagine that everyone you are speaking to is non-native to the language you are speaking. So if I believe everybody I'm talking to is newer to the language that I'm speaking, in my case English, by nature, we tend to slow down. So breathe more slowly, deeper, gesture more slowly, and remind yourself that everybody you're speaking to is new to the language you're speaking. And those three things in some combination will help slow down your speaking rate. Hopefully that was helpful. Yulia, I'd love to hear your question. Please. 

[00:07:47] Learning Community Member 3: Thank you so much for having me here. First, I would like to thank you so much, Matt, for the wisdom that you're sharing. My question is the following. All of us have by nature, we have specific kind of way how we communicate. Some of us are more soft-spoken, some of us are more direct. I believe that all communicators, all good communicators, have to have a wide repertoire or like tool that can be applied in different occasions and with different people. So how can we develop this ability to adapt to different people who may not necessarily appreciate our nature, the way we are? 

[00:08:26] Matt Abrahams: What I hear in your question, Yulia, is really talking about authenticity, who we really are and our approach, and thinking about the expectations that others have. I will always argue that we should be true to ourselves. Being disingenuous, faking it. That's not how we want to come off. It doesn't feel good, and often it can get us in trouble. That said, there are certain expectations in certain communication situations where we might have to adjust and adapt. So some of you, for your work, for example, have to speak in a very formal way, giving presentations or in meetings, and that might not be comfortable or what is typical in your more conversational approach. So certainly our authenticity has to meet reality. I am not saying to, again, be disingenuous, but we have to be responsive.

[00:09:14] Our goal is to serve the audiences that we speak to. The single best thing you can do to help understand and be authentic is to take the time to really reflect on what's important for you and where your strengths are and your areas to strengthen. Every night before I go to bed, I journal, and part of that journaling is to reflect on something that went well that day in my communication and something that I'd like to improve from that day. And every Sunday I come back and look at what I've written for the previous week and make a plan for the subsequent week, and I've been doing that for decades. And that helps me to really not only develop my skills, but to really best understand what's important to me in communication and how I can lean into those things.

[00:10:03] Be authentic, understand what's important to you and how you want to show up so that you feel comfortable in yourself doing that. But at the same time, think about the expectations of the situation and what would help. So for example, part of who I am is I, I'm very curious, so I like to ask lots of questions. You all have heard me ask lots of questions, but sometimes there's situations where asking questions is not what the circumstance or context demands, and I need to adjust and adapt while still staying true to my curiosity and who I am. So it's first about discovering what's important to you. The reflection activity I do every evening might help as part of that. And then it's being aware of what's expected in the situation, in the context. 

[00:10:50] Learning Community Member 3: Thank you. I appreciate it, Matt. 

[00:10:52] Matt Abrahams: Other questions that some of you might have? Would love to, to take one or two more questions before I wrap things up. 

[00:10:59] Learning Community Member 4: I'm giving a talk for the Alzheimer's Association, which I do as a volunteer and it's scripted. It's, it's very, it has these speaker notes and it's specific information that they kind of stand by. So I'm just kind of struggling with like these speaker notes that are, you know, it's like I'm either reading it, and so I'm kinda struggling with, do I just stand in front of these people and read it?

[00:11:18] Matt Abrahams: There are times when all of us have to communicate where we are expected to say certain things. Think of a, a company executive who, because of the media, because of investors, needs to say something exactly the right way because they can get in trouble. I don't think your situation is that defined, but they do want you to get certain information across. So I would, as best I could if I were in your shoes, find a way to integrate that information into a way that's true and authentic for me, that's comfortable. So maybe I don't use every word that they say, but I get the general idea across. If you can embed that in a truth for you, a story that's relevant to you, an experience that you've had, that makes it easier. So a way that I coach executives to deal with the problem that you're having. So let's say their legal department sends the paragraph, you have to say this.

[00:12:10] I will have them read it a couple times so they're familiar with what it says, and then I'll say, put the paragraph aside and just speak what you remember of it. And as they're doing that, we're recording it. And we do it a couple times and we begin to see their natural way of saying it. So they're not memorizing it, they're just saying, here's the way they've internalized it, and then they share it. And then what we do from that is we create bullet points. So it's not a paragraph, but we create a few bullet points that are enough to trigger them to help. What I do personally, what works for me, and this might work for you, Elizabeth, is I turn things into questions. For some reason, my brain is better able to remember content when I remind myself that I'm answering a question rather than relaying information, even if the information is the same.

[00:13:00] So instead of saying, I want to cover these two points, I say, I'm going to answer these two questions, and I frame it as a question that I am answering. It takes some of the pressure off, and for some reason I am able to get the information across in a more clear, concise, and accurate way. So my two bits of advice to you in your situation is to speak it out loud a couple times, reading it, and then record yourself saying it without looking at the manuscript, see where you land, and then create an outline from that. And maybe also think if somebody asked me the question, what does this organization do or how can you support this organization? Just answer those questions and see how close you come to the manuscript they gave you. My hunch, if you're like me, is you'll come pretty close when you frame it as a question. I hope there was something in there that could be helpful.

[00:13:49] Learning Community Member 4: Yeah, absolutely. Thanks. 

[00:13:50] Matt Abrahams: Excellent.

[00:13:51] Learning Community Member 5: I had a question, something that you did there with concluding and saying like any questions, I feel like that's oftentimes sort of a panic stage of a presentation where my mind starts racing about if there are no questions, how I'm going to kind of ad lib to fill up the awkward silence. And then also fight off concerns like, okay, are there not questions, because either I delivered something completely nonsensical or it was so dull that it didn't prompt any questions. 

[00:14:21] Matt Abrahams: Yeah. 

[00:14:21] Learning Community Member 5: And then I think also the start of presentations are the places where I feel like I struggle the most. And of course with the start, it sort of sets the tone for the rest of things to follow. So I'm curious about if you have tips on that. 

[00:14:36] Matt Abrahams: Many of us are most nervous when we start a communication, be it a meeting, a presentation, even a social interaction. So the advice I give to people, one, is to get present and collect your thoughts. Deep breathing, focusing on your goal. But I also like to have people distract their audiences, get them doing something so their attention isn't just focused on you. How do you do that? Well, you don't want the distraction to be off topic, do something that gets them engaged. So for example, take a poll. If you're in front of a large group, how many of you have. Show a video clip. I worked with a very senior leader at a company you all know. He's very nervous when he speaks, especially at the beginning.

[00:15:15] So all he does is say, good morning everyone. Let's watch this video. And he has a video clip that's very brief, and then when the video's over, he just asks people to comment on it. So when you take a poll, when you show a video, when you put up a provocative image, slide, whatever, you take people's attention away from you. And if you immediately ask a question on the response, then you are in a different role. You're now a facilitator, not a presenter. And for many of us, we are much more comfortable in that situation. So I challenge all of you to think about how can I start in a way that invites people to engage so their attention is not just on me, it's on the activity, whatever that was.

[00:15:56] So that's how I recommend you start in a way that can reduce some of that awkwardness and nervousness. Now on the other side of the equation, when you go to call for questions and there are no questions, first you have to wait. Pausing is appropriate. There are lots of reasons people don't ask questions right away. Maybe they're nervous and they're trying to muster their courage. Maybe they're thinking of their answer or their question first. Maybe they're just trying to see what types of questions get asked, so you have to pause and then if no questions come in, ask yourself a question. I am a big fan of what I call a back pocket question. So if nobody asks a question, I might say, a question I'm often asked is, so, you see, I'm about to ask myself a question.

[00:16:39] Now, obviously, I should know the answer to my question. That could really be helpful to making sure that the dead air is filled. And you'd be amazed that when you answer that question, how easily you get the second question. So it's all about getting your audience engaged in some activity upfront, so it changes your role for presenter to facilitator. And in the end, you have to pause when you call for questions. And then if no questions come in, ask yourself a question. And just by knowing that you have those tools, it reduces your anxiety because you know you can handle both of those situations. So I encourage all of you to try one or both of those in a lower stake situation, not a super high stakes one to see the value, and that'll only build your confidence even farther.

[00:17:26] Thank you for joining us for this Quick Thinks Ask Matt Anything episode. To join our next AMA live, sign up for our Think Fast Talk Smart Learning Community at fastersmarter.io/learning. This episode was produced by Katherine Reed, Ryan Campos, and me, Matt Abrahams. Our music is from Floyd Wonder. With thanks to Podium Podcast Company. Please find us on YouTube and wherever you get your podcasts. Be sure to subscribe and rate us. Also, follow us on LinkedIn, TikTok and Instagram and check out faster smarter.io for deep dive videos, English language learning content, and our newsletter. Please consider our premium offering for extended Deep Thinks episodes, and much more at fastersmarter.io/premium. You'll also find value by joining our Think Fast Talk Smart Learning Community at fastersmarter.io/learning. You'll find video lessons, learning quests, discussion boards, an AI coach, and book club opportunities. Again, that's fastersmarter.io/learning to become part of our Think Fast Talk Smart Learning Community.