283. Ask Matt Anything: Authenticity, Anxiety, and Answering Well

WEBVTT

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Matt Abrahams: Let's flip the script.

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Instead of asking questions
today, I'm going to answer some.

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I'm Matt Abrahams and I teach
Strategic Communication at Stanford

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Graduate School of Business.

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Welcome to this Quick Thinks, Ask
Matt Anything episode of Think

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Fast Talk Smart, the podcast.

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One of the many, many things I love
about our Think Fast Talk Smart Learning

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Community is interacting with our members.

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I do this through posts, comments and
discussions, along with our author

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talks and AMAs, Ask Matt Anythings.

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Today I'm sharing a portion of
our recent Learning Community AMA.

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Listen in to learn about
authenticity, anxiety management,

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and answering questions well.

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And consider joining the Learning
Community fastersmarter.io/learning

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to ask your questions live.

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So let's jump right in.

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Chris, what's your question, please?

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Learning Community Member 1:
Question Matt, so I do a lot of

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email correspondence and, and the
nature of my job is people are trying

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to sell me things all the time.

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And there's one introduction
that people often use to an email

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that I've, I just don't like it
and I really try to avoid it.

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It's people saying, I
hope you're doing well.

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I know you'll understand what I'm talking
about, but I understand why it's there.

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But it's soft language.

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It's an empty gesture
'cause it doesn't matter.

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And so I found myself, when I compose
an email, I just skip anything like

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that and go straight to business.

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What are your thoughts on that
and your experience with that?

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Matt Abrahams: It's funny
that you bring that up, Chris.

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So Glenn Kramon, who was one of
our early guests, he is a colleague

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of mine at the business school.

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He teaches a course on writing.

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He is an editor at the New York Times.

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He has exactly the same pet peeve.

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He does not like the superfluous
nature of that, and I agree it's

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trite now that people do it.

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However, I do like the notion of trying to
connect first before jumping into an ask.

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I think in some cases it can be a
little off-putting if you just jump

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in straight away and say, I need this.

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I think other modes of communication
are more for that type of

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transactional, get to the point.

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I'm thinking of Slack or even texting.

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Email to me feels slightly more
formal and that's where I, I like to

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start with some kind of connection.

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I'll perhaps say hello.

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I might comment on the day.

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I might say, I hope that
your Tuesday is going well.

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I might comment on something I
know that the person has done.

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If I have some connection with
them, I might say, you know, how

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is your kid's basketball game?

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I know the last time we
spoke, you mentioned it.

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So for me personally, it's a little hard
on email to jump right in with the ask.

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That said, I totally appreciate
your point in using something

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trite, I think can be difficult.

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Do you use, Chris, I'm
gonna put a question to you.

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Do you use any kind of, uh, affectation
or do you just jump straight in?

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Learning Community Member 1: I
think I usually just say, I'd like

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to share this with you, or, I was
thinking of you and this, this is

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what I would like to share with you.

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Matt Abrahams: Excellent.

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Learning Community Member 1: Yeah.

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Matt Abrahams: Yeah.

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So you do, you do connect a little bit.

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I mean, we have a lot of research,
we have a lot of research that

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says connect first really helps.

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It builds some warmth and relationship.

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Uh, in an email, I think just as
I, I would say if a phone call or

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a remote call like this, there is
some time that, that I think should

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be reserved for connecting first.

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But something trite such as
hope you are well is a bit much.

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Uh, other questions that you might have?

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Learning Community Member 2:
Hi, I am Jophan.

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I'm from Germany, originally from India.

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Whenever I try to speak something
impromptu, it just seems like

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I'm speaking too fast, and then
there is this mess in my head that

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I'm trying to string it through.

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So do you have any suggestions or
any helpful tips that I can follow?

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Matt Abrahams: Thank you for the question.

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So Jophan, you're asking when speaking,
your brain is working really fast,

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you're thinking of a lot of things,
and sometimes when you end up speaking

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then you end up speaking fast.

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And how are there ways to slow that down?

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So there's several things to do.

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First, we feel this intense
pressure in the moment, as you

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mentioned, to respond right away.

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And we don't have to, you can take a
pause, you can actually ask for it.

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You can say, let me think
about that for a moment.

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Or perhaps you could ask a
follow on question to get the

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other person responding so
you can collect your thoughts.

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Or any of you who've listened to the
show, know that I am a huge fan of

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paraphrasing, extracting a key essence.

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All three of those buy you a little bit
of time so that you can collect your

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thoughts so you don't feel as rushed.

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Because when we feel rushed, we
begin to think faster, we get

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a little nervous and anxious.

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So that's just giving yourself time.

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Second, slowing yourself down.

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Taking a deep breath.

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When we get very anxious, we
breathe shallow, we start thinking

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quickly, and we speak quickly.

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So taking a deep breath slows down
the autonomic nervous system, slows

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down your breath rate, so you'll
speak more slowly, and it can actually

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slow down your thought process
because you're calming yourself down.

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Mentally, what I encourage you to
do when you get in those moments

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is to think to yourself, what's the
bottom line of what I want to say?

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Anchor yourself.

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A lot of us in those moments,
we think a lot of thoughts all

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at once and it can get jumbled.

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And that jumbled nature makes
us think quicker 'cause we're

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trying to figure things out.

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Just say to yourself, what's
the bottom line of my response?

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What's the bottom line
of my thought or feeling?

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Ground yourself there and then
build your response from that point.

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And as you know, I'm a
big fan of structure.

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This might be where what, so
what, now what, then comes in

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once I hit the bottom line.

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Learning Community Member 2: When
you are saying to slow down while

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speaking, so I, I believe I'm a fast
speaker and probably it's for the good

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or maybe for the worst, but I feel
comfortable when I'm speaking fast.

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So do you have any ideas or
suggestions how I can really improve

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to slow down speaking or am I
really fighting against my instinct?

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Matt Abrahams: Many of us speak faster
than we want to, or in some cases should.

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Speaking quickly boils down to breath.

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Your voice is a wind instrument, just
like a flute, a clarinet, a saxophone.

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So breath is really critical.

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So there are three things I recommend
to people to help slow down.

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First, breathe more deeply.

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When you breathe deeply, you are
actually slowing down your speaking

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rate because it just takes longer to do.

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When I breathe shallow, I speak really
quickly because I'm breathing fast.

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So I, so when I take a
deep breath, I slow down.

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So first, if you know you're going into
an interaction where you're likely to

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speak quickly and you want to speak
slower, take a deep belly breath.

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Second, gesture more slowly,
I bet you gesture quickly.

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Most people who speak fast gesture fast.

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We sync up our gesture
rate and our speaking rate.

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So another thing you can do to slow
yourself down is to gesture more slowly.

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The slower I gesture, the slower I speak.

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So low, slow breathing, slower gestures.

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And then the final bit of advice is
a mental idea, which is imagine that

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everyone you are speaking to is non-native
to the language you are speaking.

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So if I believe everybody I'm talking
to is newer to the language that

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I'm speaking, in my case English,
by nature, we tend to slow down.

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So breathe more slowly, deeper, gesture
more slowly, and remind yourself

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that everybody you're speaking to is
new to the language you're speaking.

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And those three things in some combination
will help slow down your speaking rate.

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Hopefully that was helpful.

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Yulia, I'd love to hear your question.

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Please.

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Learning Community Member 3: Thank
you so much for having me here.

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First, I would like to thank you so much,
Matt, for the wisdom that you're sharing.

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My question is the following.

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All of us have by nature, we have
specific kind of way how we communicate.

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Some of us are more soft-spoken,
some of us are more direct.

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I believe that all communicators,
all good communicators, have to

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have a wide repertoire or like tool
that can be applied in different

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occasions and with different people.

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So how can we develop this ability
to adapt to different people who

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may not necessarily appreciate
our nature, the way we are?

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Matt Abrahams: What I hear in your
question, Yulia, is really talking

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about authenticity, who we really are
and our approach, and thinking about

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the expectations that others have.

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I will always argue that we
should be true to ourselves.

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Being disingenuous, faking it.

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That's not how we want to come off.

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It doesn't feel good, and
often it can get us in trouble.

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That said, there are certain expectations
in certain communication situations

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where we might have to adjust and adapt.

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So some of you, for your work, for
example, have to speak in a very

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formal way, giving presentations or
in meetings, and that might not be

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comfortable or what is typical in
your more conversational approach.

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So certainly our authenticity
has to meet reality.

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I am not saying to, again,
be disingenuous, but we

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have to be responsive.

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Our goal is to serve the
audiences that we speak to.

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The single best thing you can do to help
understand and be authentic is to take

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the time to really reflect on what's
important for you and where your strengths

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are and your areas to strengthen.

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Every night before I go to bed, I
journal, and part of that journaling is

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to reflect on something that went well
that day in my communication and something

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that I'd like to improve from that day.

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And every Sunday I come back and look at
what I've written for the previous week

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and make a plan for the subsequent week,
and I've been doing that for decades.

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And that helps me to really not only
develop my skills, but to really

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best understand what's important
to me in communication and how

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I can lean into those things.

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Be authentic, understand what's
important to you and how you

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want to show up so that you feel
comfortable in yourself doing that.

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But at the same time, think
about the expectations of the

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situation and what would help.

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So for example, part of who I
am is I, I'm very curious, so I

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like to ask lots of questions.

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You all have heard me ask lots of
questions, but sometimes there's

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situations where asking questions is not
what the circumstance or context demands,

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and I need to adjust and adapt while still
staying true to my curiosity and who I am.

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So it's first about discovering
what's important to you.

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The reflection activity I do every
evening might help as part of that.

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And then it's being aware of what's
expected in the situation, in the context.

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Learning Community Member 3: Thank you.

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I appreciate it, Matt.

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Matt Abrahams: Other questions
that some of you might have?

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Would love to, to take one or two more
questions before I wrap things up.

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Learning Community Member 4: I'm
giving a talk for the Alzheimer's

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Association, which I do as a
volunteer and it's scripted.

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It's, it's very, it has these
speaker notes and it's specific

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information that they kind of stand by.

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So I'm just kind of struggling with like
these speaker notes that are, you know,

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it's like I'm either reading it, and so
I'm kinda struggling with, do I just stand

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in front of these people and read it?

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Matt Abrahams: There are times when
all of us have to communicate where

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we are expected to say certain things.

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Think of a, a company executive
who, because of the media,

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because of investors, needs to say
something exactly the right way

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because they can get in trouble.

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I don't think your situation is
that defined, but they do want you

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to get certain information across.

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So I would, as best I could if I were in
your shoes, find a way to integrate that

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information into a way that's true and
authentic for me, that's comfortable.

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So maybe I don't use every word that they
say, but I get the general idea across.

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If you can embed that in a truth
for you, a story that's relevant

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to you, an experience that
you've had, that makes it easier.

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So a way that I coach executives to deal
with the problem that you're having.

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So let's say their legal department sends
the paragraph, you have to say this.

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I will have them read it a couple times
so they're familiar with what it says,

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and then I'll say, put the paragraph aside
and just speak what you remember of it.

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And as they're doing
that, we're recording it.

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And we do it a couple times and we begin
to see their natural way of saying it.

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So they're not memorizing it, they're
just saying, here's the way they've

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internalized it, and then they share it.

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And then what we do from that
is we create bullet points.

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So it's not a paragraph, but we
create a few bullet points that

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are enough to trigger them to help.

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What I do personally, what works for me,
and this might work for you, Elizabeth,

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is I turn things into questions.

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For some reason, my brain is better
able to remember content when I remind

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myself that I'm answering a question
rather than relaying information,

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even if the information is the same.

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So instead of saying, I want to cover
these two points, I say, I'm going to

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answer these two questions, and I frame
it as a question that I am answering.

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It takes some of the pressure off,
and for some reason I am able to

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get the information across in a more
clear, concise, and accurate way.

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So my two bits of advice to you in
your situation is to speak it out loud

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a couple times, reading it, and then
record yourself saying it without looking

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at the manuscript, see where you land,
and then create an outline from that.

00:13:30.875 --> 00:13:35.100
And maybe also think if somebody
asked me the question, what does

00:13:35.100 --> 00:13:38.490
this organization do or how can
you support this organization?

00:13:38.790 --> 00:13:41.640
Just answer those questions
and see how close you come to

00:13:41.640 --> 00:13:43.230
the manuscript they gave you.

00:13:43.380 --> 00:13:46.230
My hunch, if you're like me, is
you'll come pretty close when

00:13:46.230 --> 00:13:47.460
you frame it as a question.

00:13:47.670 --> 00:13:49.290
I hope there was something in
there that could be helpful.

00:13:49.350 --> 00:13:50.160
Learning Community Member 4:
Yeah, absolutely.

00:13:50.189 --> 00:13:50.580
Thanks.

00:13:50.640 --> 00:13:51.090
Matt Abrahams: Excellent.

00:13:51.090 --> 00:13:53.520
Learning Community Member 5: I had a
question, something that you did there

00:13:53.520 --> 00:13:57.480
with concluding and saying like any
questions, I feel like that's oftentimes

00:13:57.480 --> 00:14:04.115
sort of a panic stage of a presentation
where my mind starts racing about if there

00:14:04.115 --> 00:14:08.825
are no questions, how I'm going to kind
of ad lib to fill up the awkward silence.

00:14:08.825 --> 00:14:12.965
And then also fight off concerns
like, okay, are there not questions,

00:14:12.965 --> 00:14:18.965
because either I delivered something
completely nonsensical or it was so dull

00:14:18.965 --> 00:14:21.095
that it didn't prompt any questions.

00:14:21.275 --> 00:14:21.485
Matt Abrahams: Yeah.

00:14:21.485 --> 00:14:24.515
Learning Community Member 5: And
then I think also the start of

00:14:24.515 --> 00:14:29.010
presentations are the places where
I feel like I struggle the most.

00:14:29.010 --> 00:14:31.320
And of course with the start,
it sort of sets the tone for

00:14:31.320 --> 00:14:33.030
the rest of things to follow.

00:14:33.030 --> 00:14:35.670
So I'm curious about if
you have tips on that.

00:14:36.270 --> 00:14:39.540
Matt Abrahams: Many of us are most
nervous when we start a communication,

00:14:39.540 --> 00:14:43.140
be it a meeting, a presentation,
even a social interaction.

00:14:43.440 --> 00:14:47.490
So the advice I give to people, one, is
to get present and collect your thoughts.

00:14:47.490 --> 00:14:50.070
Deep breathing, focusing on your goal.

00:14:50.400 --> 00:14:54.150
But I also like to have people
distract their audiences, get

00:14:54.150 --> 00:14:57.450
them doing something so their
attention isn't just focused on you.

00:14:57.720 --> 00:14:58.560
How do you do that?

00:14:58.710 --> 00:15:01.410
Well, you don't want the
distraction to be off topic, do

00:15:01.410 --> 00:15:03.750
something that gets them engaged.

00:15:03.780 --> 00:15:05.700
So for example, take a poll.

00:15:05.700 --> 00:15:07.450
If you're in front of a large
group, how many of you have.

00:15:08.430 --> 00:15:09.510
Show a video clip.

00:15:09.510 --> 00:15:12.449
I worked with a very senior
leader at a company you all know.

00:15:12.630 --> 00:15:15.569
He's very nervous when he speaks,
especially at the beginning.

00:15:15.900 --> 00:15:18.630
So all he does is say,
good morning everyone.

00:15:18.630 --> 00:15:19.949
Let's watch this video.

00:15:19.949 --> 00:15:23.550
And he has a video clip that's very
brief, and then when the video's over,

00:15:23.550 --> 00:15:25.589
he just asks people to comment on it.

00:15:25.740 --> 00:15:29.819
So when you take a poll, when you show
a video, when you put up a provocative

00:15:29.939 --> 00:15:33.990
image, slide, whatever, you take
people's attention away from you.

00:15:34.290 --> 00:15:38.055
And if you immediately ask a
question on the response, then

00:15:38.055 --> 00:15:39.225
you are in a different role.

00:15:39.225 --> 00:15:41.985
You're now a facilitator, not a presenter.

00:15:41.985 --> 00:15:45.855
And for many of us, we are much
more comfortable in that situation.

00:15:45.855 --> 00:15:49.485
So I challenge all of you to think
about how can I start in a way that

00:15:49.485 --> 00:15:54.885
invites people to engage so their
attention is not just on me, it's

00:15:54.885 --> 00:15:56.625
on the activity, whatever that was.

00:15:56.625 --> 00:16:00.165
So that's how I recommend you start
in a way that can reduce some of

00:16:00.165 --> 00:16:01.814
that awkwardness and nervousness.

00:16:02.175 --> 00:16:06.075
Now on the other side of the
equation, when you go to call

00:16:06.075 --> 00:16:09.705
for questions and there are no
questions, first you have to wait.

00:16:10.230 --> 00:16:11.790
Pausing is appropriate.

00:16:11.790 --> 00:16:14.490
There are lots of reasons people
don't ask questions right away.

00:16:14.819 --> 00:16:17.520
Maybe they're nervous and they're
trying to muster their courage.

00:16:17.670 --> 00:16:20.490
Maybe they're thinking of their
answer or their question first.

00:16:20.760 --> 00:16:24.660
Maybe they're just trying to see what
types of questions get asked, so you

00:16:24.660 --> 00:16:30.030
have to pause and then if no questions
come in, ask yourself a question.

00:16:30.030 --> 00:16:32.939
I am a big fan of what I
call a back pocket question.

00:16:33.300 --> 00:16:37.770
So if nobody asks a question, I might say,
a question I'm often asked is, so, you

00:16:37.770 --> 00:16:39.540
see, I'm about to ask myself a question.

00:16:39.840 --> 00:16:42.870
Now, obviously, I should know
the answer to my question.

00:16:43.140 --> 00:16:48.410
That could really be helpful to making
sure that the dead air is filled.

00:16:48.860 --> 00:16:52.620
And you'd be amazed that when you
answer that question, how easily

00:16:52.620 --> 00:16:54.090
you get the second question.

00:16:54.390 --> 00:16:57.330
So it's all about getting your
audience engaged in some activity

00:16:57.330 --> 00:17:00.510
upfront, so it changes your role
for presenter to facilitator.

00:17:00.510 --> 00:17:03.600
And in the end, you have to pause
when you call for questions.

00:17:03.930 --> 00:17:07.200
And then if no questions come
in, ask yourself a question.

00:17:07.560 --> 00:17:10.830
And just by knowing that you
have those tools, it reduces your

00:17:10.830 --> 00:17:14.100
anxiety because you know you can
handle both of those situations.

00:17:14.444 --> 00:17:18.315
So I encourage all of you to try one
or both of those in a lower stake

00:17:18.315 --> 00:17:21.915
situation, not a super high stakes
one to see the value, and that'll only

00:17:21.915 --> 00:17:23.805
build your confidence even farther.

00:17:26.264 --> 00:17:29.385
Thank you for joining us for this
Quick Thinks Ask Matt Anything episode.

00:17:30.375 --> 00:17:34.605
To join our next AMA live, sign up
for our Think Fast Talk Smart Learning

00:17:34.605 --> 00:17:35.715
Community at fastersmarter.io/learning.

00:17:38.235 --> 00:17:43.125
This episode was produced by Katherine
Reed, Ryan Campos, and me, Matt Abrahams.

00:17:43.365 --> 00:17:44.985
Our music is from Floyd Wonder.

00:17:45.195 --> 00:17:47.145
With thanks to Podium Podcast Company.

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