238. AMA: Why Listening Might Be Your Most Powerful Skill

[00:00:00] Matt Abrahams: One of my greatest pleasures is interacting with the global Think Fast Talk Smart audience. My name is Matt Abrahams and I teach strategic communication at Stanford Graduate School of Business. Welcome to Think Fast Talk Smart, the podcast. Recently I had an opportunity to speak with our community at an AMA, Ask Matt Anything. Let's listen in to see how it went.

[00:00:32] Well, before we get started and talk about your questions, I'd love to start with a foundational communication skill, and that is listening. Today, I want to talk about listening up so you can listen in and really connect to your audience. Listening is truly a critical component of all of our communication. It really helps us be successful. Now the reality is most of us are not great listeners, and I have to give a big caveat here. Whenever I teach listening skills, my wife gets a little bit upset because she thinks I need to work on those skills as well. So we're all still learning to be better listeners.

[00:01:13] Listening is challenging. Most of us listen just enough to get the gist of what someone is saying, the high level, and then we begin rehearsing, planning, judging what it is that we want to say and what others are saying. And that gets in the way of us listening well. In fact, there's some very specific barriers that get in the way of our listening, and they all start with the letter P. First, there are physical barriers. This has to do with just the physical ambient noise. Another barrier is physiological. This is what's going on in our bodies. Maybe we're tired. Maybe we're nervous. And then finally, there are psychological barriers. These are our predispositions, our concerns, our hesitations.

[00:02:01] All of this can get in the way and prevent us from listening well. These three Ps can be very, very challenging. So what do we do? How can we listen better? In my book, Think Faster, Talk Smarter, I had the wonderful pleasure of interviewing many listening experts. One of them was Collins Dobbs. Collins actually teaches with me at Stanford's Graduate School of Business, and he introduced me to the ideas of pace, space, and grace. I want to introduce you to ways you can ace your listening. First and foremost, we need to take the time to slow down so we can be present. So, perhaps that means scheduling a particular time to have a deep conversation. Maybe it means moving to a different location where it's quieter. Taking the time to slow down will help you listen and be present. So pace is first.

[00:02:56] We also have to make sure that the space is appropriate, where we sit, how we're situated, how the room is arranged, or the virtual environment can really make a difference. But I'm also talking about mental space. We need to make sure that we give ourselves the space to focus. You need to remind yourself, I need to be here, now, for this interaction because if I'm not, it's not going to go as well. I'm likely not to hear and understand. And then finally, we have to give ourselves a little grace. We have to give ourselves permission to listen well, and to listen not just for what is said, but how it is said, when it is said, where it is said. We have an intuition that we need to listen to. I'm gonna give you an example where I failed to give myself some grace.

[00:03:46] I had a colleague, we were coming out of a meeting. My colleague turned to me and said, how do you think it went? I immediately heard feedback and itemized all the things that we did wrong, that we could have done better. But in fact, had I actually slowed down, had I noticed our environment, and given myself permission to listen beyond the words that my colleague said, I would've realized that he was not interested in feedback at all. What he really wanted was support, but I wasn't present and I wasn't listening. And unfortunately because I just itemized all the things that went wrong, I did him a disservice. So it's important that we ace our listening. Pace, space, and grace. Now beyond that, we have to focus on what we do with our bodies.

[00:04:34] Non-verbally, when we listen, we need to approach the person or people we're listening to. We need to orient our shoulders towards them. If we're speaking virtually, we need to look at the camera because it looks like we are looking at them. We want to have an open posture, pulling our shoulder blades down. Again, eye contact is critical. As the person is speaking, we're looking and nodding. We want to make sure our eyes aren't darting and we're looking away. These are called back channels that we deliver to signal that we are listening. So these are things that we can do with our bodies to help communicate. In terms of what we actually say, a wonderful technique that I really like is to listen through paraphrasing.

[00:05:17] When we listen, we signal that listening through what we say and how we say it. I believe paraphrasing is an amazing way to listen. Paraphrasing is where we take what the person has said and we distill it down to its essential essence, the gist. We make it shorter, and then we highlight the key ideas. So when I go to speak, I make sure that I listen to what they say and then I speak the paraphrase, the essence. I don't have to say everything. Instead, we are simply highlighting the key through stating what it is you've heard, you not only increase fidelity, the accuracy, because if my paraphrase is inaccurate, the person can correct me, but also I signal that I listen. Many of you are familiar with the work of Alison Wood Brooks.

[00:06:13] Alison is a good friend of mine. She teaches at Harvard's Business School. She has done research that shows when you actually paraphrase, it actually deepens the connection you have with the person. So paraphrasing not only increases fidelity and deepens the relationship, when you listen to paraphrase, you listen better. So my challenge to everyone is, as you listen, ace your listening. Pace, space, grace, and listen to paraphrase. One great way to do this is to take the time in your interpersonal relationships when you are not actively participating, let's say you're in a meeting and someone else is speaking, be thinking to yourself, what's the bottom line of what they're saying?

[00:07:00] By focusing on that bottom line, you're training your brain to paraphrase. When you listen to one of our episodes at the end, paraphrase, what's the key takeaway for me? In so doing much like an athlete, you're doing a drill that will prepare you to better listen and connect when you really need to. So with that, it's clear that listening is critical. We have to listen up to listen in so that we can connect with our audiences and we can make sure that the information has high fidelity. I'd like now to switch and do some listening from you. I'd like to hear your questions and the first two questions are going to come from premium participants. These are folks who've signed up for our premium offering, and I thank all of you who have taken the time to be part of our premium. I'd love to bring Guillermo front and center, Guillermo from Michigan. Can you join us please?

[00:07:59] Guillermo: Hi Matt. Hi everyone.

[00:08:01] Matt Abrahams: Excellent. You have a question for us, Guillermo?

[00:08:03] Guillermo: I do, but before I ask my question, Matt, I wanna say thank you. Your work has helped me communicate effectively with my family, my friends at work, and even inside my own mind, so thank you.

[00:08:15] Matt Abrahams: Thank you very much, Guillermo.

[00:08:17] Guillermo: My question is, when we are preparing for a presentation or a speech, how can we choose the right structure, the tools and the techniques based on the audience that we're gonna communicate with? For example, when we're preparing for a customer presentation, it might be different, we're gonna speak in front of our employees.

[00:08:36] Matt Abrahams: Excellent. So the question is how do we prepare and how do we pick the right tools and frameworks to use? It boils down to what you know about your audience and what their expectations are. That's where we start. So we have to do that reconnaissance, reflection, and research in advance about who our audience is and what's important to them. Then we have to decide what is our true goal in this moment. And if you've heard me teach or speak before, you know, I believe a goal has three parts, information, emotion, and action. And when you have those two together, then you can make some decisions. And those decisions impact the structures that you use, the wording that you choose, and the actions that you request.

[00:09:19] So for example, let's say I am pitching a product at a team meeting. I might know that this is a group of very technical people and they are very concerned about how we are going to actually craft this product. So I might define what I am setting up as a problem that we need to solve because I know this team of very technical people likes to solve problems. People who are into technology, into science, deeply financial, tend to like problems. So I might say, in our offering, we have one area that's missing. This is a problem that leads to these results. By framing it that way, I get more engagement and likely more support. Now if I wanted that same product to be implemented into our solution, and I'm talking to people who might be in sales or marketing, they perhaps might not be as interested in problems as they are opportunities, and an opportunity is where something's not wrong, but could be better.

[00:10:25] So I could take exactly the same desire, bringing this particular product to our offerings, but frame it differently based on what I know about my audience. So the knowledge of your audience, the goal that you have, guide you to picking the particular frameworks, wording, and approach that you take to ultimately get to the ask that you have. So Guillermo, it's really about doing that homework upfront. And then, in addition, you can do a little bit of reflection about what has worked in the past for you when doing something similar. So by combining a reflection with what you know about your audience and your goal, you can actually deliver a message that is much more likely to hit the spot. Guillermo, thank you for that question. I really appreciate it. I appreciate you listening, and I'm so glad that you have found value from what it is we all do here at Think Fast Talk Smart.

[00:11:18] Let's bring in our second premium user. This is Maurice. And Maurice, you're calling from Amsterdam in the Netherlands. Thank you. 

[00:11:26] Maurice: My question is about how can we help people to develop in a targeted manner to properly apply the right communication? You, you explained like, for instance, the pace, space, grace. Now we know it, but what matters most is practice, is learning to apply it and through learning intervention or simply applying it in practice. So what's a good method to learn to apply all this communication knowledge for the level of proficiency?

[00:11:50] Matt Abrahams: So it's one thing to learn these skills, it's another thing to apply them. I've been teaching communication skills for over twenty-five years and have really tried to help people, not just gain the insights, but actually apply them. And there are several things that can help. First, we have to make sure that we understand the concept clearly and completely, which means we have to do some thinking about it. One of the big mistakes my students make is they think they get it, and then they start, and then they get disappointed because it doesn't go the way that they had expected.

[00:12:20] So the first step, I believe, is to really take some time to reflect. Reflection is key. What is it that I'm trying to learn? So if you're learning a new framework, many of you know I'm a big fan of the framework structure, what? So what? Now what? If you're learning that you really need to take a moment to say, do I appreciate and understand each of the different components in that, what? So what? And now what? Once I have reflected, I then need to think about ways in which I can apply it that are meaningful to me. To practice something that doesn't feel useful, or you have an understanding of how to deploy it, can make it more challenging. And then finally, we actually have to do the practice in a low stakes manner.

[00:13:04] So if I'm trying to practice what, so what, now what, I might at the end of each Think Fast Talk Smart episode think to myself, what was that episode about? Why is it important and how can I use that information? But it's not just enough to reflect, to understand how to deploy it, and then to practice. You actually have to do another round of reflection at the end. What worked? What didn't work? What was hard? What was easy? You know there's that definition, Maurice, of insanity that says, doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. That's how many of us go into learning new skills, especially around communication. We just do it and then we move on.

[00:13:42] We don't take the time to reflect. Now, this process takes time and effort, but if you do, you can truly internalize it and it can really help you. So again, to summarize, you start by reflecting what really is the communication skill I'm working on. Maybe it's just body posture. It's, I wanna make sure that I look big and balanced, so I pull my shoulder blades down, and then we have to think about where and when and the value it brings, how we can deploy it, and then we reflect after the fact. By going through these activities, both mental and physical, you will be able to take on these new communication skills and make them part of your toolkit, part of your regular practice so you don't have to think about it. I really appreciate both Guillermo and Maurice's questions. I appreciate them being premium members and I so appreciate that they derive value from our show.

[00:14:33] Now it's time to hear from all of you. I'd love to hear from those of you who have questions. If you type in your questions, we have a team of people behind the scenes who are queuing them up. I can't promise that I'll get to every question, but I certainly want to get to as many as I can. I see we have a question about how to intentionally slow down. This is from Shelby. How do I intentionally slow down a conversation? Maybe it's an emotional conversation where it feels like we're ignoring the other person if we don't speak back immediately. Thank you, Shelby. The pace of conversations can feel really demanding, but in fact, we have control over the pace.

[00:15:13] I can imagine an emotional conversation that we're having where somebody is sharing information, maybe they're even upset with me or the situation and they're speaking quickly. It is very easy to get caught up in that and feel like we have to respond right away. Instead, we might benefit, and I think we can all think of situations where it would've been better had we slowed down just a little bit, where taking a little pause to slow down would help. And there are a few ways to do this. One is just giving yourself permission. Again, it goes back to that idea of grace. We have to give ourselves a little bit of grace to be present in that circumstance. Maybe we are emotional, maybe we're confused or concerned, and that can cause a lot of jumbled thoughts.

[00:15:53] So to take time to slow down can help. Several ways to do it. One, ask for it. Simply say, gimme a moment to process that, or, let me think about that. It's okay to do it. In fact, in many cases people see that as your attempt to really connect and provide a response that's appropriate, accurate, and useful. Another way is to ask some clarifying questions. You can clarify when somebody says something, you can ask a question, and that question buys you a little bit of time to think about your answers, and it might help specify what it is that you need to say. And finally, we talked about paraphrasing when I was giving my brief talk. Paraphrasing is a great way to buy yourself time because as you're paraphrasing, you can actually be thinking about how you want to respond. Slowing things down for yourself. Paraphrasing is what we call a lower order cognitive skill.

[00:16:47] That's just a fancy academic way for saying that we can actually think and do the paraphrase at the same time. So there are ways that you can slow down a conversation to help you respond appropriately. Now, there are times where it's not about you slowing down, it's about getting the other person to slow down. They're getting wound up because they're excited, they're nervous, they're emotional by taking a step back and acknowledging what's happening. So simply saying, I hear you have a lot of passion here, or it sounds like this issue has lots of different components and facets. By taking the time to just call out what's happening in the moment can often slow people down. People can get wound up and keep going, and by taking a step back and saying, wow, there's a lot of emotion going on, or this topic is really complex that can slow others down.

[00:17:38] So there are things you can do to slow yourself down and to slow the other person or people down that can help the conversation be more manageable. Shelby, thank you for that question and I hope some of what I've said there can be helpful. John asks the question, what are some good online resources to practice applying our communication skills and getting feedback? Somebody who teaches communication skills is certainly going to say that coursework and classes are absolutely wonderful opportunities. Another avenue is through organizations like Toastmasters. I am a huge supporter of Toastmasters. It is an organization designed to help people practice their skills.

[00:18:19] Toastmasters exists all over the world. In fact, I was recently at their international convention, and Toastmasters, just like a class, are all about giving you opportunities to speak and opportunities to get useful, constructive feedback. Now, you don't have to go to that extent where you have to sign up for something and show up for something. You can also just reflect on your own. So for example, you can, at the end of the day, at the end of a meeting, think to yourself, what worked, what didn't work? That reflection helps. And my students will tell you. Digitally recording yourself is an amazing way to get the practice and to see what's going on.

[00:18:58] We are not the best judges of our communication. One of my former co-instructors, Kristin Hansen, likes to talk about the perception gap, our perception of our communication versus what others see. Recording yourself, while painful, can actually be incredibly helpful. I like to joke with my students that digitally recording yourself and watching it is like going to the dentist. Many of us don't enjoy going to the dentist, but we sure are glad that we went. When you digitally record yourself, I encourage you to watch and listen in a particular way. After you've recorded yourself listen, only, don't watch, just listen. So if you did it on your phone, turn it around and just listen to what you sound like.

[00:19:40] And then second, watch without listening, turn the volume down and then finally watch and listen together. You will see so many different things in each mode that you pay attention. So John, there's lots you can do to build your skills. You can rely on organizations like Toastmasters or educational opportunities. You can digitally record yourself, you can do personal reflection. Whatever you do, keep learning and working on your communication skills. It is foundational to success in our personal and our professional lives. Thank you for those questions. A special thanks to our premium members, Guillermo and Maurice, and the other premium members who ask questions.

[00:20:20] I'd like to share some specifics about things we have upcoming. I am thrilled about some really exciting opportunities we are bringing to the Think Fast Talk Smart community. Available today, in addition to our normal premium offering, we have brought the podcast to Apple Premium. Many of you listen to our podcast on Apple. You can now do so in a premium fashion if you so choose. We are bringing an AI coach where you will be able to interact with me directly through spoken word and get feedback on your communication. And finally, we are building out a learning hub, a community hub where you can join not only to get actual coursework from me but to meet other like-minded, Think Fast Talk Smart listeners and coordinate and collaborate. We'll be bringing book clubs and you'll even have the chance to get feedback from me on specific communication situations that you have.

[00:21:16] So while Apple Premium is available today, the AI coach and the learning hub are coming very soon, and I end not only by saying thank you, but I have a favor to ask. I would love for each of you to take just a moment to give us a five star rating on whatever tool you use to listen to us, be it Spotify, Apple, Amazon, whatever, and writing a positive review. This actually helps extend the reach of the podcast and our whole goal is to help people around the world improve their communication. So give us a five star rating, give us a positive review. It's a great way of showing your gratitude for Think Fast Talk Smart. And then please share the show with your friends, your family, your colleagues. That's how we've grown over all these years. So with that, I will simply say thank you for joining us. We will do another AMA in the future. It is a true pleasure to do this work. Thank you and all the best.

[00:22:12] Thank you for listening to this special AMA, Ask Matt Anything episode of Think Fast Talk Smart, the podcast. To hear more answers to your questions, check out episode 17. For more on listening, tune in to episode 114 with Julian Treasure. This episode was produced by Katherine Reed, Shelby Merryweather, Ryan Campos, and me, Matt Abrahams. Our music is from Floyd Wonder. With special thanks to Podium Podcast Company. Please find us on YouTube and wherever you get your podcasts. Be sure to subscribe and rate us. Also follow us on LinkedIn, TikTok, and Instagram. And check out fastersmarter.io for deep dive videos, English language learning content, and our newsletter. Please consider our premium offering for extended Deep Thinks episodes, AMAs, and more at fastersmarter.io/premium.